Three days

Day 3

My wanting-to-feel-alive mood didn't last longer. Yesterday on the way home I had a relapse. I made my aunt change the route to take me to the hospital. Place where I'm still in, waiting for the doctors to tell me when can I go. I'm gonna die, I know that. But I don't want to die in a hospital. I've spend half of my life in here, enough to hate this place. Amelie is by my side, holding my pale hand, wishing I wasn't in the condition I'm sadly in. But, what can I say? What else can I do? Today is supposed to be my last day on earth. I can't do anything else than listen to the sound of the machines that are connected to me, keeping me alive while they still can. "Bullshit" I say suddenly. Amelie sighs and looks at me. "Bullshit bullshit and bullshit" I keep saying while hating myself more and more as long as I keep repeating the word. Amelie takes her free hand and puts her fingers over my lips. "Luca" she said almost in a whisper trying not to cry. "Stop" she said smiling sad as her eyes filled with tears. I glanced at her for a while as she placed the palm of her hand on my cheek and cleaned the tears that were falling on it with her delicate thumb. I won't leave you alone" she said smiling sincerely. I hugged her hand with mine while we cried in silence.

One hour later, we were back at home. Amelie and I were in my room when suddenly aunt Lily knocked the door and entered just to look at me with a pale-devastated face. "Luca..." she said walking into the room. Amelie turned to see her. "I need to tell you something..." she said sitting on a chair beside my bed. I payed attention to every word she said. I couldn't believe it, Amelie couldn't either. After nineteen years she finally tells me the truth. The woman that cared for me ever since I was a little child, the woman that did everything that was in her power to make sure I had everything I wanted and needed, the woman that hid her own pain, her own suffering, to be there for me when I needed someone, turned out that it wasn't actually my mother. My real mother, was sitting in a chair beside my bed telling me this. Aunt Lily was my real mother. She was seventeen when she had me, her boyfriend left her after knowing she was pregnant of me. She had no one today carry on with, so in order to help her, the woman I though that was my mom offered to take care of me until she had everything arranged to raise me up. I don't blame her, it was hard for aunt Lily to get along with her life, she didn't had any money and she couldn't raise me up as she would've wanted. What did break my heart was when she mentioned that at the moment she could have her son back, her son had Leukaemia. The story of my dead cousin wasn't true, this room was for me but she couldn't have me. She did the best for me and tried to make me happy, and she did it. I don't want to fall in the question of why she wouldn't tell me until now. Because I know it's hard, for her and for me, all the vacations I spent here with my real mom did mean something. My grandma left this house for her after dying so she could have a house for her and her son, but when grandma died, I was three years old, I barely remember something. And at that moment mom couldn't still afford to have me. She fought during all these nineteen years for me. And I'll appreciate that of heart while I still can. Now instead of calling her Aunt Lily, I can and will call her for the right title she deserves: "mom" even though this is going to be the last and only day she'll be called like that. A mood of silence filled with tears was with us. The minutes passed and passed. Time was running out for me.

Amelie never left my side, I was afraid that I was going to leave her's soon, I don't want to but I can't stop it. I'm gonna break her heart if she doesn't have it broken right now, I'm gonna leave her devastated, I'm gonna leave her with a pain that she'll have to get through alone, by herself, because I won't be there to hug her, to comfort her. I regret saying before that I had nothing to worry about since I was dying soon, but now I'm concerned about mom and Amelie. I don't want to leave them like this. That was a foolish talk from my part. I'm stupid, I don't know how to appreciate things. I said that I had no one to hold on with, no one to count on with, no one to trust in, but all of that was bullshit. I did have someone. Two persons that were always there for me. But I didn't see the value they had in my life or maybe I didn't want to accept that they were always there, maybe I wanted to play the victim. And now I'm here, not wanting to play the victim, feeling sorry for their crying, I'm a fool. But why do I keep blaming myself? Is this how I take the pain away? Does it makes sense? Now that I'm dying I finally put myself in their shoes. Why until now? I feel weak as the time runs by. And the pain only increases, mine and their's.

I didn't want to feel sick. So I started to talk with them about normal things normal people tend to talk about. Mom smiled when she saw my interest of changing the subject of me and my death. Amelie did find out that too. They knew me so well. But they didn't protest, they played along with my idea. And I thank them this a lot. Because we all got to the point of forgetting the fact that I was going to die. Even me.

Everything was fine until my heart started to beat slow. I tried to keep it cool for them, we were having a good time. I didn't want to ruin that. They didn't find out until I literally couldn't sit still. I fell, and mom hold me from hitting my back with the bed. Amelie put some pillows on my nape in order for me to not be uncomfortable. They sat in both sides of my bed, Amelie at my right and mom at my left. They were smiling while the tears fell down their cheeks. "Thanks for being in my life, Luca" said Amelie while taking my hand. "You'll always gonna be in my heart". Her lips formed a beautiful and broken smile. I didn't knew the pain she was going through because it was different from mine. I was suffering for leaving them, for not being able to share a moment anymore. And Amelie was suffering for having to let me go even though she didn't want to. I don't want to either but there's nothing we can do. Just to take advantage of the time that we have left to be together.
Mom was holding my other hand. "You are my joy, Luca" she said. "I love you, baby" her tone was devastating. I noticed that I was crying and smiling at the same time. "I'm sorry for not telling you the truth before" she said gathering all the strength she had to talk. I didn't know her pain either, and I couldn't put myself in her shoes. I don't have a dying son, I am the dying son. But if for me it's horrible the feeling of having to leave your mom I can't imagine how hard it has to be for her to see her own son on his last breaths.

Amelie started to sing a song. One of my favourites. Mom knew the letter and joined her on the singing. I can't explain or understand how they did it. Their voices sounded beautiful, it was like if the crying couldn't mess with their tones. I started to see things darker. And feeling the need of more air. I'm afraid, the end is all I can see. Black is my sight now. Air is not necessary for me anymore. I close my eyes, knowing that I won't ever open them again. I get drowned in an existence that will no longer be mine.

"I love you, Luca" were the last words I heard her say after pushing her lips against mine.