I've been told writing down how you feel is a good way to understand it, but I don't know how I feel, I don't know how to explain it. I'm not sad, not all the time anyway, but I'm very rarely happy, most of the time is just feel empty, I feel nothing. There are times when I can feel extremely motivated and get so much done that I start to believe it's getting better, but there are more days were I don't leave my bed because I don't even have the motivation to breathe and life feels pointless, I feel worthless. My friend asked me, what's worse, crying everyday or being unable to cry? I don't know how to answer that question, not crying to me seems normal, in my 15 years I've barley seen any one in my family cry, at all, but then, not crying shows a lack of emotions. Whereas crying everyday shows that inside you are so broken that the tears just fall and you don't have control over it, but it shows that you have emotions. I don't know how answer this question but I keep trying, trying to decide which is worse.
I feel alone, which I'm not, I know I'm not but I can't help but feel alone, like nobody actually cares about me or wants me in their life they just pity me and that's why they are friends with me, but then, I feel stupid about thinking that because I know it's not true, I've been told it's not true by many people, I know people care about me and maybe they don't need me but they want me.
I made a promise to someone to try and stay alive, but that promise is difficult when it's 4am and I'm alone crying silently in my bed feeling worthless and thinking how much easier it would be to just stop existing, I think about that a lot, what it would be like to stop existing, and sometimes it seems better than what I currently have, I don't have the courage to actually stop existing but sometimes I pray for something bad to happen to me, I pray to not wake up in the morning, I pray that someday soon this whole thing just stops. Does that make me crazy?
When I asked for help, after months of building up the courage, school was blamed, I was told it was just stress and I'd be fine once school finishes, like walking out of school will make this feeling disappear and I'll be happy, no. That's not going to happen, this isn't stress, I know what stress feels like and this isn't it, this is something more. I don't fully blame school, sure school is where I feel most insecure and where I really feel the worst about what I'm feeling but this wasn't caused by school, whatever this is, it goes deeper than being stressed. I don't know when this started, I can't pin point a specific time in my life when I stopped being happy, but over time I started smiling less, crying more, feeling more worthless, caring about what people thought and said about me, when it happened I don't know but it did and it's been about a year since it started to be noticeable, I've tried to distance myself from people, lower the amount of pain I cause if I ever get the courage to stop existing, but it didn't work. I'm trying so hard to keep that promise, trying to stay alive, it's difficult but I know I can do it, somehow I will live, I'll get help, I'll survive this, I have to because I promised I would and I can't break that promise.
I don't believe in God, I don't believe everything happens for a reason, I don't believe in the after life, I don't believe in heaven or hell, that when we die we will be judge and sent to paradise or to the flames of torture, that's just stupid to me, and I'm starting to not believe in myself, thinking that everything I'm trying to do right now is pointless because I won't be able to do it.
So I guess that's how I'm feeling, I'm not sure, perhaps they are right and this will all change when I leave school but I don't think so, but how am I to know?
