last resort | ryden

11

Ryan.
[yo I'm writing this on my iPod which has actual capital letters soooooooo]

I can't believe this is actually happening. Ever since Adam and I- I just assumed that would be my life from then on. That I wouldn't ever escape. That I'd never see Brendon again.
It's like a dream, almost.
Adam seems bouncier this morning, and I can't decide whether it's good or bad. He's urging me on, praising me to the heavens.
At nine in the morning I knock on Brendon's door, and he answers immediately, gaze lingering on Adam's-uncomfortably- tight hand wrapped around my waist. Showing that I'm his. "Ah. Adam, isn't it? Pleasure to meet you!" Brendon says, enthusiastically. Adam shakes his hand, the picture perfect boyfriend. It makes me want to throw up.
Brendon leads us to a van, windows tinted, and we start the three hour journey to the venue. I'm praying it doesn't go wrong.

When we arrive, it makes me almost homesick. After years of touring with Brendon, venues like this almost feel like home to me.

Adam has to go. He won't though, clinging on to my arm, giving me warning squeezes and making shivers travel down my spine. Zack, Brendon's personal bodyguard ends up pulling him off me, and I feel free. Somehow.

Brendon introduces me to the other members of the new Panic! At the Disco; Dan and Dallon. They're both kind and make me feel comfortable.

It's during Nine in the Afternoon when it happens. I've been avoiding Adam's gaze from the side of the stage well so far, but I glance over. It makes me feel sick and cold and hot all at the same time, shaky and ohmygodicantbreathe. Dallon notices, beckons me over.
[and back to my phone]
"are you okay, dude?" he asks me, worried. his fingers continue to play, and the crowd is screaming along to the song; we are as safe as we can be. dallon has some sort of calmness about him, and i've been dying to tell somebody for so long; it just slips out of me. for the first time in years, i tell someone everything. it might be the fact that it's so hard to hear each other, or that i feel so at home. either way it's comforting.
it's terrifying. also liberating. he doesn't act like i'm a dying dog, doesn't overwhelm me with pity, smiles sadly and moves back to his microphone in time for his backing vocals.
for once, i don't feel restrained and like i'm being compressed into a tiny box. it feels strange, but i like it. i guess i've got dallon to thank for that.

brendon's a good performer.
he jumps and smiles and teases the audience, sweaty and buzzing with adrenaline.
he's an icon.
the fans are screaming along, phones waving along to the beat brendon sets. it's cheesy, it's oh so cliche, but the atmosphere feels good. it feels like a family.
he's never really had one of those.