nectar and gold

iii. we didn't even last a year

we'd known each other
three weeks
when you asked me about
the secrets i'd never told
anyone before

(i was foolish, and drunk
and you promised me trust
so i spilled them all to you)

we'd known each other

a month

when you said
my eyes were warm like
your favorite christmas sweater
and i made you feel safe
in a world full of regret

(today i know i shouldn't have believed you)

we'd known each other
five months and then some
when you opened up to me

about the terrible things
that had happened to you
and that now lived in your brain

(i told you you were a masterpiece
the world wasn't ready to see yet)

we'd known each other

roughly seven months

when i broke down
and warned you about the beast
that lives inside of me

(you chose to stay like you were waiting to be devoured)

and we'd known each other
thirty-five weeks
when the beast broke free
and chewed you up
with words like weapons
before you had enough sense to run

(when i realized we were done for good,
i died a little bit inside)

it's been six months
and i'd like to say i'm doing better

but lies never suited me the way

they did you

(you said "i care for you" so easily, i
believed you for a second there)

it's now 2:35 a.m.
and i'm wide awake
i'm still the same i used to be
and you must be, too
because i haven't heard from you since

(truthfully, i stopped waiting for your call)

it's been half a lifetime
without you
but nights like this
with vodka running through my veins

and ink and paper in my hands

i wonder drunkenly
if your eyes are still the same
i wonder quietly
if your laugh is still the same

i wonder
if you sometimes
lay awake
at 2:35 a.m.

look out at the city lights
and think of me
and everything we could've been

(and i hope to God it breaks your damn heart)

because in the end,
we didn't even last a year.