My story

The beginning

I was scared I very distinctly remember being scared. It was in eighth grade when I first realized that I felt the same about girls that I did about boys and at first I didn't know the name for it only for a second though because I had been curious about girls for years since fifth grade. My friend Sara was bi at the time but she later came back out as straight because people kept telling her it was wrong and that she would go to hell and she didn't know how to fight against their hate. I remember her being so scared to come out to me she was crying and I couldn't understand why because I didn't think it was a bad thing we sat outside in the setting sun during one summer and she said she had to tell me something so I smiled and said okay you can tell me anything and she just broke down in tears I didn't push it I just held her until she finally was able to get out was she was trying to tell me and I kept reassuring her that it was okay I kept asking why she was crying and that there was nothing wrong with that I said girls are pretty she then told me what everyone was telling her to which me being the little ball of fire i am I told her to go flip all of them off because she's allowed to be who she wants. And this was ten year old me  though nothing has changed too much anyways . So fast forward to 7th grade my friend Jake came out as gay to the whole school which he didn't mean to really he told one person and they told another and that person spread it to everyone and then Jake was just like well okay I guess I'm out to everyone although he was upset that the person had told everyone as I would probably be upset if I didn't want that to happen but the things people said about him scared me and made me so angry they would call him a faggot of course never to his face and they would say it so casually it surprised me and it would be everyone the girls and the boys. They would sit there in their little friend groups and be like yeah I just had class with the faggot and I would just sit there and think what the fuck is this how people react still. And even people who were his friends for example this one girl who had been best friends with him for years Lydia she was a big church goer and had a god complex it's the people like that who scare me she want really really bad but it's the people who take it to the extreme the people who are willing to do conversion therapy and other things to "fix" us even though there's absolutely. Nothing. Wrong. With. Us. That's one of the only things that's really terrifies me. But anyways this girl Lydia she would go behind his back talk crap tell his secrets and then to his face she would tell him that it was a phase and that he wasn't really gay. When me and my best friend found this out we stopped really talking to her as much because we supported Jake. So at this point I knew my best friend supported the lgbtq community. Fast forward to eighth grade we had new friends Caroline and Emma I ended up having a crush on Emma but she had a boyfriend I still had a crush on her but I wasn't out and even if I was I never told anyone I also had a crush on this guy who rejected me at the time  but I also had a crush on my best friend which was why I was so scared to tell her I had tried to tell her one time before but I chickened out I wouldn't tell her it was at pick up from school and I saw my car at the end of the line so I was like okay I can just tell her really quick and then boom get in the car and leave so that way if this doesn't go good then I can just get out of here. But I was like yeah I have something to tell you and she was like what and then i got so nervous and I imagined her never talking to me again when she found out who I liked was her and I mean who I really liked because you know how you have crushes but you have like main crushes well yeah she was my main crush because Emma had a boyfriend and the asshole I liked was in fact just that an asshole who also rejected me. but I couldn't do it then I couldn't tell her how I felt I wanted her to know but I couldn't do it all that night she blew up my phone non stop I didn't answer the next day before pick up she pulled me into the bathroom  and held me against the wall and asked me what was wrong I said nothing and looked away she told me to look at her because she knew I was crying and by now my heart was beating out of my chest I wouldn't look at her I didn't want her to see my mascara stained cheeks and wonder what was so wrong that I couldn't tell her but that's exactly what she was wondering I slid down the wall and she sat in front of me holding one of my hands and with her other wiping my tears and playing with my hair I finally told her I thought I was bi and she asked what girls I was looking at and I quietly named of a couple popular girls that I thought were pretty but I didn't really like them. I wrote her a note a couple days later finally telling her how I felt because I told Jake I liked her and he told me to just tell her but I'm not really good at sayin how I feel I'm a lot better at writing it trust me I know this is shit but it would be even worse if I just tried to tell you my story off the top of my head. Then I start tripping over words and I leave things out but I wrote the note in my class period before lunch explaining to her that it wasn't any of the girls I named that I liked it was her by now my crush on Emma and the other guy had faded so I didn't mention those I mentioned how beautiful and caring and funny she was and how she was always there for me and I asked her to maybe give me a chance she declined but later in the year she mentioned that she thought about it many people have though that we were dating over the years that we've been best friends and we've thought about it because even if things didn't work out dating which I don't think they would now not anymore we could go back to being best friends which is what we still are today after everything.