The first step

I cleaned up our dishes then took Toby for a walk. This was my day off and I spent most of it worrying about this stranger and I still had to go to therapy.

I put on a light jacket since the wind had picked up and slipped on my blue Toms. I didn't have a car so I started my 20 minute walk to therapy. I smiled at a few strangers. My session starts at 4:30 and its 4:27. Damn it I'm late! I start to run. I turn onto the street of the tall building and look up to see the room my sessions are held in. 8 stories up. Not looking where I was going I trip on a rock and skin my palm. "Ow" I say while standing back up. I look around and nobody was near enough to see. I continue running but I'm looking where I'm going. I walk into the building and say hi to the receptionist Daysie.

"Hey sweetie you're late."

Daysie is a middle aged women who is very nice and bakes me cookies from time to time.

"Yeah I lost track of time."

"Well go on up sweetie Kester is waiting for you."

She smiles.

I smile back and I take the elevator.

Going 8 floors up takes a while but I'm relieved nobody else has gotten on.

I exit the elevator and head to room 804. I peek in and see Kester standing with his arms crossed while looking out across the lake.

"Hello Kester!"

He jumped and spun around.

"My dear you scared me!"

He laughed.

"Sorry. Sorry I'm late I lost track of time."

"That's alright my dear its only been 6 minutes"

He smiles.

I sit in the same green uncomfortable chair and we stare at each other, not knowing who will speak first.

"How've you been?" he asks just like he does every time.

"The same." The answer I always reply with.

He waited a while to reply.

"You want to know why I always look out that window?"

"Sure."

"Because I pretend I can see all kinds of different things down there. I also pretend things in life are different. I mean pretending that I'm not getting evicted doesn't mean it won't happen, but it can take away some of the stress for awhile. Do you ever pretend, Alise?"

"Yes. I pretend my best friend isn't dead and that I didn't kill my mother." I stand up and turn the lights off.

"Why do you do that Alise?"

"Well I turn off the lights to save electricity and I like seeing the world with out so damn much fake light."

"That's interesting" he chuckled "but I meant why you pretend."

"Oh." I paused and looked out the window for a while.

"I think i do it because its easier. It's better than constantly thinking about it."

"Yes that true. But no matter how hard you pretend, it will never go away."

"I suppose that's right, but what else are you supposed to do?"

"You can accept it. Wait wait, what's wrong with you hand?"

"You want me to accept the fact my best friend is dead and I killed my mother? And I tripped, I'm okay."

"It's worth a try Alise. Now let me bandage that up"

He gets up and rummages around his desk then puts a bandaid on my scrape that was deep enough to draw blood.

"Kester."

"Yes Alise?"

"I'm scared."

"Of what?"

"Everything. I'm scared of my dad. I'm scared of the stranger that's moving in and I'm scared to try and accept that Karmin died and I killed my mom. Did you know Kester that I watched them both die? I don't like living like this." I was shaking.

"Alise it's okay calm down."

"No it's not okay! Nothing is okay Kester and I can't live anymore!"

I'm having a panic attack and I can't stop.

All I can hear is my heavy breathing and Kester on the phone.

"Get them up here now!" I hear Kester yell and everything goes black.