A Million Heartbeats

Silent Feelings

Day one at the new school was finally over.  With hurried steps, Robert went to his locker and took out his math book leaving his other books inside. Then he walked outside to wait for his father, but after twenty minutes waiting, he figured his father had forgotten to pick him up which was no surprise for him. He stood up from the sidewalk and thought it was better to walk back home, if he knew the way back that is.But just when he had walked about two blocks he heard a car honking behind him and turned to see his mother’s black sedan.

“I thought my father was picking me up”. He said looking at his mother. Robert knew how much his parents changed their plans without telling him just as they had change their plans of living in the quiet town of Brentwood to live in the United States and practically ruin the next two years of his life.

“He had to stay at the base, that’s why he asked me to come”. Caroline told him.

There was not a new excuse his father could use, Robert  knew them all by memory, he haven’t completely accepted the fact that his father didn't care much about him as a kid and he was not about to start fourteen years later. It was something hard to him, something he hated to think about, but he was after all, his father.

The lost gaze in his eyes as he looked out the window was enough for his mother to know how upset he was at his father. She knew how much James’s constant absence had affected the family, but especially Robert. In moments like this she would just remain quiet because she knew there were no words to justify Robert’s pain and anger.

Little Claudine was quietly seating in the back of the car, looking at her notebook. Unlike her brother, she has had an exciting first day of school.

“Mum guess what?”. She said breaking the awkward silence.

“What?”.

“Our teacher told us this joke that is really funny, do you want to hear it?”.

“Sure honey”.

“Ok, so why is 6 afraid of 7?”.

“I don’t know sweetie why?”. Caroline answered after thinking for a minute.

“Come on don’t give up yet, Rob you want to try?”. She asked her brother.

“Of course not”. He curtly replied.

“You shouldn't be so rude with her, she is your sister”. Her mother told him mumbling, she didn't want Claudine to hear her.

Robert couldn't care more, he was so wrapped in his thoughts he simply carried on looking out the window.

“So why sweetie?”. Caroline asked Claudine looking at her through the rear view mirror.

“Because 7, 8, 9. You get it, seven ate nine!”. Claudine said chuckling.

Caroline laughed at her little joke and as she looked at Robert she noticed he was smiling too.

As they arrived home, James’s truck was already on the driveway. They got out of the car and as they got inside, James was at the living room sitting on his favorite brown leather reclining chair, with a beer on his hand and watching the news on the television.

As Robert saw him, he nodded and just went up to his room, it was like he wanted to force his father to care about him just a little, but who would like a forced love?.

Claudine ran to hug her father and to tell him all about her first day at her new school. James turned off the television to listen to his daughter’s experience, and she of course told him the joke she had learned, which really made him laugh. Caroline went to the kitchen to check on the brisket she had left on the oven, and then went upstairs to check on Robert, she really hate it when he felt left out of his own family.

Robert was already sitting on his bed with his black Cutaway Dreadnought acoustic guitar on his hands. It was the same guitar his father had given him five years ago. It was a very personal place he went to every time he played his guitar. The sound of the guitar chords could make his mind transport him back in time and make him dream of the future, it was like he could express his feelings through the sound of his songs, and his guitar was like a personal diary where only people who could interpret the notes could know how he felt. He closed his eyes and let his fingers slide across the strings playing the notes he knew by heart.

“Hey honey”- His mother said knocking at his half opened door.

He opened his eyes and stop playing, placing his guitar on the side of the bed.

“Hi mum, come on in”.

Caroline walked towards the bed and sat next to Robert. She looked at the empty navy blue walls of his room; there was not a single poster, framed picture hanging or anything. This was definitely not his son; this was not the way he was. She worried about how he was becoming more lonely and quiet.

“Do you want to talk with me?”. She asked him, softly stroking his back.

Robert just looked down his hands and smiled. If there was something he wanted to talk about was to ask if he could go back to Brentwood and wait for them there. Or maybe he wanted to talk about how she could put up with someone like his father who left her most of the family responsibility. Whenever he speak his mind out it usually ended in an argument involving the whole family, and he didn't feel in the mood for that, not after surviving his first day in school.

“There is nothing to talk about mom”. He said looking at her in the eyes.

Of course Caroline, like any mother, knew he was lying. It was clear as water to her that he needed to get something out of his mind, but once he closed the doors to his thoughts there was no way to open them.

“Would you at least tell me about your first day in School?”. She insisted.

“It was okay, no one talked to me as usual and the cafeteria was so full I had to eat outside”. Robert said, sarcastically smiling at his mother.

“I’m sure you will make new friends soon, but you know sometimes you have to go and talk to people, who knows maybe you will get to know someone nice?”.

He just smiled at her without any words. He knew that no matter what, his mother was always there for him, she was always there for listening to him and most of all she had the patience it took  to wait for him to open his heart. She was the most important person for Robert, the one he loved the most and yet, it was very difficult for him to look at her in the eyes and tell her how much he loved her, how much he thanked her for taking such a good care of him since  she was carrying him on her belly. To put up with him whenever he was in his mood changes. He had noticed all the sacrifices she made to keep everyone happy, to put her family first. Sometimes Robert wondered why she had chosen someone like his father, and he remembered the times when they were a great family. Maybe things had changed with time, or maybe it was Robert who was changing the way to see life, from the naive view of a child to the view of someone who was about to become an adult.