A Million Heartbeats

Nightmares

 Nerissa had spent all the afternoon on her room, there was nothing to do when the rain was falling so hard outside. She lay on her bed and just stared at the window, her eyes started to feel heavy with every blink until she closed her eyes. The sound of the raindrops hitting the roof and the window had lulled her to sleep. As her subconscious began to wander, she started dreaming. There she was when she was little and there was her father calling her to walk towards him.

“Come here sweetheart”. He told her opening his arms, waiting to hold her and hug her.

But Nerissa was scared to cross the field that separated her from her father. With careful and small steps she began to slowly walk towards him, insecurity had invaded her mind and body, it was more than what a child could take, all she wanted was to hold her dad’s hand to feel safe. As she got closer to him it started to rain but it was like a light sparkle, so after briefly looking up she continued walking.

“That’s it, you’re almost here honey”. Her dad kept saying to her.

Suddenly she felt unsecure of her steps and looked back.

“No, don’t look back honey, you should never look back”. Her father told her trying to get her attention back to him.

She looked at him and continued walking, but suddenly it started to rain very hard and she fell to the floor, the breeze was strong too, she strongly gripped from a tree.

“Daddy!”. She screamed in fear because she could not see his father anywhere. “Help me!”. She continued.

“Wait for me honey, I’m gonna help you!”. He replied yelling so she could hear him through the wind noise.

Nerissa closed her eyes because of the wind, and she waited for her dad to come to her. “Dad?”. She screamed but no one answered. “Daddy?”, she screamed a second time, still no one answered back.

“Never look back Nerissa”. She heard his father’s voice on her head telling her those words again and again. But all she wanted was to see him, to hug him, to feel safe on his arms. She reached out with her arm but couldn’t find him. Realizing her hopeless situation and knowing the storm had taken her father away and that she was now alone brought tears to her eyes, she had never feel so desperate and alone and scared in her life. She thought about letting go of the tree for a second but when she was about to, a loud thunder scared her forcing her to let go of the tree. As the wind took her away she screamed.

Then Nerissa opened her eyes and realized it had been just a dream, her forehead and chest were sweaty and she felt how the tears were coming out of her eyes, she had been crying for real. She wiped them out with her hand as she heard another loud thunder just like the one on her dream. Getting up from bed she walked to the window and closed the blinds. She then walked outside her room looking for her mother, her bedroom was dark so she wasn’t in there, but there was a light on in the kitchen, so she went there.

Her mother noticed how agitated she looked.

“Honey are you ok?”. She asked her as Nerissa went to hug her. “What is wrong?”. She asked as she hugged her and caressed her hair.

But Nerissa seemed to be speechless; she kept thinking about her dream but didn’t feel like she wants to talk about it with her mom. And of course Tess didn’t want to force her daughter to talk, she knew something was bothering her but she also knew she will tell her when she felt better.

It was very hard for her to cope with the loss of her father, and now she had been trying her best to put up with her brother’s constant absence. Sometimes she felt like her mother couldn’t understand her, sometimes it was like she couldn’t tell her how she felt or ask her about certain things, she knew how her mother’s temper was most of the time so she rather kept some things to herself, like the fact that it had crossed her mind to lose her virginity with Devin, or the fact that she had accepted alcohol at a friend’s party just to feel like she was part of the group, just to feel accepted. She kept telling herself what a mistake would be to tell about all those things to her mother. Instead, she had a journal which she kept hidden under her mattress. And she had what she would call her “Unspoken silence” book, it was a regular notebook in which she wrote letters or notes to specific people, mostly directed to people she knew in real life, but with words she would never dare to say to them in person. So she wrote them letters saying everything she wishes they could know, she had written letters to her best friend Hazel, to Devin, to her father, her mother and of course to her brother Jerome.

“Did you have a dream about your father again?”- Tess asked her because she knew how often Nerissa would dream about losing his father.

“Yes”. She barely answered with her voice breaking and tears escaping her eyes again.

Her mother hugged her tighter and kissed her head.

“It’s all right honey, is ok to miss him, you will always miss him but you must know that he wouldn’t want to see you this sad thinking about him.”.- Her mother said.

“I know mom, but is just so hard, and Jerome left us too, we got no one”. Nerissa said with resentment.

“Your brother will be back soon honey, we both know that it wasn’t his choice to leave, he did it because he had to”. Tess said.

After not saying a word to her mother for a few seconds she pulled away from her arms, wiped out the tears with her hands.

“I’m gonna go back to sleep mom, good night”.-She said kissing her mother’s cheek.

“Good night sweetie”. Tess said

Nerissa returned to her bed and she covered herself with the blanket. Once under the covers she started thinking about Robert, she had a light flashback of when she first saw him at his house, when she was looking for her lost cat. Then her next flashback was when she has seen him playing his guitar on his backyard. She didn’t know why he kept thinking about him sometimes. He wasn’t even her friend; he wasn’t even nice to her at all. There was just something about him that was attracting her attention.

She knew the summer vacation was just a couple of weeks away and on her mind was the weird thought that she had to talk to Robert at school. And she knew she had to be brave to approach him, but she was determined to try it. After all, she lived next to him and she didn’t want the whole summer vacation to be awkward.