I still don't have any clue what I'd be without you. You brought me out of the darkness. You were my star. You were everything I ever wanted for a friend.
Jay and Raya, that's us. We were a team, you and I. And I loved every moment. We met online. It was the thirteenth of February.
I still have Kay to thank for that.
We talked for a while, a typical start to any conversation being a "what's up?" Or a "Heyo."
That's all we were for a while. You and I were friends and nothing more. That's what I thought at least.
Soon enough, I started to realize. I was falling for you. Even though my anxiety kept prying at my thoughts and every waking moment. What if she hates me? What if she stops talking to me?
That was when your thoughts got worse. When mine got darker. When we both started losing ourselves. And so we strayed. We drifted like the moon.
Ages and ages passed. A year and we seemed to be hanging on. You started calling me love, even though you had someone else. You made me feel better. Yet, you caused the panic to start.
I was in Florida, a trip to Disney in fact. When you disappeared. And I had my first anxiety attack. And from then, they just kept on coming.
I'm pretty sure that's when I started to piece it together. Without you, I was a mess. And I still had no idea what you were like without me.
I tried to fix us. But you never seemed to respond. Or you never seemed to have the time. And that... Was what broke our white string of fate. Time.
Time is a fragile thing. You never know how much you have with someone before they're gone. All the 'i love you's' shared? All the cute moments when you said I was pretty?
I've known you for over two years now, and it's only recently that I realized. I realized exactly why I left. I figured out why I can't manage to keep a conversation going anymore.
I was too dependant on you.
Maybe that's why I can't remember to talk to you anymore?
Because I don't want to rely on you to keep me going anymore.
So that's what I did. I cut us off. I still try, but now it seems half hearted. And for that, I'm sorry. I'm afraid if I fall for you all over again we'll fall back into that old pattern.
So for now I'll hold us in my heart.
