Here and Now

-- 8 --

"P'Sing, I'll order first." Krist called over the restaurant staff and ordered his meal. "Are you sure you don't want anything P'?"

"No, you go ahead. I'm ok."

"Just that and tea for both of us please." Krist finished ordering and turned to Singto.

There was awkward silence. Singto didn't know what to say. He was pretending to take in the restaurant design and atmosphere, looking everywhere but at Krist. He can feel the younger man looking at him, staring. It was uncomfortable but better than the alternative. Better that looking at those eyes that once upon a time showed him a future he could not have. Showed him an impossible promise that never was.

"How are you P?" Krist finally asked after a few minutes.

Before Singto can formulate an answer, the server came with their tea. Interrupting their conversation, giving Singto a few more seconds to think.

"P'." Krist called to get the older man's attention. Without success, Singto pretended not to hear. "P'Sing?"

"Yes Kit?" Singto automatically turned his body towards Krist, holding the man's gaze. Shit! I called him Kit! What were you thinking Singto?, Singto silently scolded himself.

At Singto's reply, Krist's surprise can be seen in his face. If only Singto didn't turn away, he would've seen the warmth in Krist's gaze, which the younger man quickly extinguished as his P' turned back to him.

Krist smiled gently. "P, I was asking how you were." I know P'Singto didn't like to talk, I can see it clearly in the firm set of his lips, but I can't let this moment pass. He's finally here, with me, again. "Did you have a good stroll today? Where'd you go?"

Singto was uncomfortable, trying hard to disguise it. Krist was making small talk, which Singto didn't want any part of. He just wanted to run and hide. Run away from his feeling that never went away and hide from Krist who is pulling it out of him. "I... *ehem* I went to a lot of places today actually. The Meiji temple has always fascinated me. The bell....." Singto knew he was arambling but he can't seem to stop. He didn't want to venture to any other topic. Japan tourist spots were the safest topic to discuss. Safe for his heart.

"Oh! So you've been here before P'? I thought it was weird that you were alone and didn't go with a tour. That's great! It's my first time here P'. Maybe you can be my tour guide!"

What is he doing? "Um, this is my second time here actually. I came with a tour group last year. I just thought I'd try a solo trip this time." Singto emphasized the word 'solo' hoping to dissuade the other man.

"That's brave P'. Good on you! I can never do that. I can't seem to function alone." It was Krist's turn to give emphasis. He wanted his P' to know he was alone this trip. He wanted to see how his P' would react. He remembered Singto never wanting him to feel alone in the past, he was counting on the other man's same feelings. Ask me out P'. Ask me to go with you. Krist kept chanting in his head, wishing the other man can hear.

"Aw Krist, you are alone this trip? And it's your first time here? But you're here for business. You should focus."

Krist was eating his sashimi as he observes Singto's conflict. He can see his P' wanted to come to his rescue, as he had in the past. He can see his P' didn't want him to be alone.

Same as 5 years ago, whenever Singto would find out Krist didn't have anyone to spend time with, he would go out of his way to be there for the younger man.

"Well P', my last meeting is tomorrow at breakfast, maybe we could.."

"Oh! I'm going to Osaka tomorrow morning." He wasn't. "That's too bad. I can't take you with me, you have a meeting you say?" Mental note, buy ticket to Osaka.

"P! Aw! I can come after the meeting. I can follow you to Osaka. What are you doing there? Where are you staying?"

"Oh no! No, I mean you'll be tired. You should just rest. You're travelling again after Tokyo right? You should stay in the city, rest, pack and shop for whatever. I'm sure you haven't had time to shop for souvenirs. I don't want to take up your time. Besides, I have to go. Now. Yeah, right, I have to go" Singto moved to stand. "I have to pack, you know. I... OK, bye." Hurriedly, Singto turned to leave, not even bothering to look at Krist.

"What's going on P? What happened?" Krist whispered. He could do nothing but stare at the older man as he hastily made his way out of the restaurant. He looked at the seat Singto vacated. "You left me again P'."