Redeeming Qualities

~ Chapter 1 ~

As I stare up at the school on my last first day of highschool, I take a trip down memory lane. Freshman year, standing on these stone steps looking at the terrifying front entrance. I was anxious, and ridiculously determined to make a good first impression. I had just moved here then, so there wasn't anything familiar. I didn't have friends to look forward to seeing, so I was completely on my own. I was scared.

Three years later, I'm in my senior year, comparing and contrasting today with previous years. The two years after freshman year were easier because I had people to walk into the school with. I wasn't afraid. I felt like I was on top of the world. I was lucky, even, to have the friends and social status that I did while being new here. Now, however, I'm lonely again.

But I'm not afraid.

In the last few months, I've learned that there are far worse things than being alone. Actually, as of right now, I consider it a blessing.

The end of Junior year was hectic, because people were all over me trying to figure out the details of Tyler's and my breakup. I didn't give details, because they're hard for even me to come to terms with.

I would go more into depth, but when I think about it too much, I start to get really emo and weird, so I am going to digress.

I walk through the entrance with no feeling other than the desire to get this all over with. I don't look at anyone, or talk to anyone. I'm not scared of people. I am scared of my own ignorance. I'm scared that one day I might get stupid enough to trust another person with my secrets, my body...

Also, specific people trigger me. No, not like the stupid and borderline offensive meme. I'm referring to the actual psychological term for something that "triggers" a memory or flashback of a traumatic event. Triggers can be words, objects, actions, the way that someone might act, people, places.

My wrists trigger me. Even looking at them sometimes sends shivers down my spine.

When people call me "Tay", it triggers me. Sometimes I become immobile, and actually go back to that place and that time on January 14th of last year.

Moss triggers me. I haven't run into him or seen him since it happened, but based on the fact that even thinking about him gives me an eerie feeling, I can infer that he is on my list.

I find new triggers all the time. There's a certain cologne that I cannot be around. I have had to leave a classroom before because I smelt it, and had to make up some excuse about having a stomach ache. It was easy to believe, because the second I got out of the classroom, I vomited in the nearest trash can.

I fear that if I lift my head up, I'll see a face that reminds me of him.

I lift my head anyways, and what do you know? Satan seems to be giving me his full attention today.

"What are you looking at?" Sarah snaps at me. She walks by me, arm linked with Juniper. Juniper keeps her head down, and doesn't make any kind of eye contact.

Juniper used to be one of my best friends before Tyler. However, when Moss and I started to drift apart, she started to become wary of me. She grew closer with Sarah. Now, Juniper didn't start hating me until she started dating Tyler. Who knows what kind of stuff he's been telling her.

I roll my eyes at Sarah, trying to pretend like seeing her didn't rattle my entire mental health. I go into the bathroom, despite the fact that I only have five minutes to get to class.

I stare at myself in the girls bathroom mirror. I stopped putting effort in my looks. I have dark circles that I don't bother covering up anymore. My long caramel brown hair is left down, blue eyes look defeated. I can't dress up, as much as I enjoyed doing it. People misread me, and they think that I'm dressing up for them. They take advantage, and assume that just because I'm wearing a dress or skirt, it means I'm putting out for them.