You can't just be replaced. How could you think you were so worthless in my life that you could get up and leave like it was best for me.
It was best for you.
Not me.
You were the one falling out of love.
Now I have to learn how to stop loving you.
...
You were there, sitting right next to me. I didn't know what to do, I didn't feel like I could move. My confidence had went down the drain, all I could do was keep looking up at you. You asked me to go out for lunch with you, but it was dark outside. I should've been confused but I was more concerned by you scooting closer as we sat on your friend's bed. We were in their house. I don't remember how I got here. You were pulling my face in like you were going to kiss me, but then you say how much you didn't love me. You acted like we were never a thing, like I was supposed to be okay with you asking me out to go to the restaurant we had our first date at. Like it shouldn't mean anything to me. It meant everything to me. But I had to ignore that, and focus more on an excuse you would believe so I didn't have to go. I should've just said no. You controlled me. It's ironic cause the last thing I want to do is hurt your feelings, yet there's you, who doesn't seem to care all that much about mine. Your friend comes in and you introduce me to him again like I never met him before. He was one of our camera men so of course I knew him. I let you continue to explain what I already knew, then you two kissed. And I understood. You had moved on.
I woke up to Dino shaking me awake. I don't realize I'm crying until I feel the tears touch my arm. I look up through blurry vision. I want him to hug me, to tell me it's okay. But when I see his face I feel like I should be the one telling him that it's alright. He hasn't seen me cry like this yet. I never wanted him too. The need to protect him from my emotions was strong. Not strong enough though. "I'm sorry," I start to apologize as I can see Dino struggling to make a choice on what to do. "Should I get S.Coups Hyung?" He hardly ever used 'hyung', he knew this was serious. For me it was just like every other night for the past month. "I'll be alright," I say, then I change my mind as I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, "but can you get him anyways?" He nods, climbs out of bed, and rushes out of our hotel room. I look to the side of the bed where the hotel clock should be, the red numbers show it's 6am. We didn't have to be awake until 8. When S.Coups comes in with his assigned roommate, Wonwoo I apologize all over again. "It's okay, we were already awake," Wonwoo declares and by S.Coups eyes still adjusting I could tell he was lying to make me feel better. "I didn't mean to wake you Dino-ah." "It's okay Hyung." Wonwoo is grabbing the box of tissues on the night stand, sitting down on the side of me while S.Coups is on the other. Wonwoo is dabbing my cheeks, as S.Coups reaches over to grab a tissue and dabs my eyes. They're swollen I can tell. Dino sits on his own bed across from us. I lean forward, rest my hands on my knees, breathe in deeply telling myself it was all a dream. It might as well not have been. I know you have already moved on. "I know what you're thinking," I say out loud, "I need to move on. I'm sorry I can't." "No-" "You gotta stop saying sorry Hyung. Nothing is your fault," Dino interrupts. "I feel like such a burden bothering you all with my problems." "You're not bothering us," S.Coups reassures, wrapping an arm around me, "and you're in no way a burden." I push him off, crawl back to lean against the headboard, Wonwoo, S.Coups follow and Dino comes over and criss-cross his legs in front of us. "I want to erase the memories, you know? But if I had the chance to go back and say no, I wouldn't," I laugh bitterly, so angry at myself, "why is that? I know he wouldn't ask me out if he was able to go back." "You don't know that." "I do. He told me," I sigh and lean my head back. "Listen Hyung he's a douchebag he doesn't deserve you," Dino reminds me. "He may not deserve me but he isn't a douchebag. You know how he treated me, he was amazing." "Well he changed." "No just his feelings changed."
The next time I wake up it's 8 o'clock. S.Coups has his arm across my back and my head is shoved in between Wonwoo and him so I'm half laying on both of their shoulders. Dino is laying at the foot of the bed, his head on S.Coups's legs. I move his arm and sit up. The curtains are pulled shut but I can still see some light. I kick Dino to wake him, he glares at me, clinging to S.Coups legs, he watches me struggle to untangle myself from the two eldest in the room. I climb over them then go to the bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth. I hear them rustling and getting out of bed, softly bickering. I'm afraid to exit after letting them see me vulnerable like last night. S.Coups has seen me break down a couple of times now. When we were trainees S.Coups used to calm me down after night mares. It was normal for him, as we got older the nightmares became rare. "Woozi-ah want to get breakfast before it's over?" "Yeah. Hold on." "Babe hurry up we're going to be late," you banged on the door while I was in the bathroom doing my hair still. I wanted to have a good first impression on his friends. "You already look gorgeous babe what are you doing?" You barge in watching me comb my hair back. "Shut up," I laugh, "you only compliment me to hurry me." "That, and it's all true. I don't speak lies," your arms wrap around my waist leaning your head on my shoulder. "You don't?" "Do you not trust me?" You look hurt, which makes me laugh, you spin me around so I'm laughing into your chest. You squeeze me a little tighter and kiss my head. As I'm getting my plate of food with Seungkwan and Vernon, I spot a lot of our staff awake too. Sitting at tables together eating and talking. We didn't associate with each other much. Mostly because of me and you. "Gentlemen, ladies, you all may know him as just an idol you have to slave for," you start off joking making the whole table laugh, slinging an arm around me you continue, "but now you can get to know him as my lovely boyfriend." "We don't want to know that much," a staff member jokes referring to our sex life most definitely. "Oh shut up. Woozi-ah meet," you go down the line of the 16 other people we're about to have dinner with I smile and give a nod to each then you get to him, "and lastly my best friend, Baeyeong. You guys will get along." I recognize him as one of the big guys that carry the huge camera to shoot me and the other members for Going episodes. Sometimes, because of his muscles, he portrays one of our body guards. He's big, muscular, and tall, very manly.
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(A/N: Baeyeong^^^) I envied his body, it's a body I longed for to feel more masculine. Instead I was cursed with this small, petite body, with fat instead of muscles. "Hey Woozi," as if he could hear my memories Baeyeong appeared next to me. "Oh, hey." "How you doing?" He acts like he wasn't there when I screamed at you, he even smiles. "I'm alright," I smile back while Seungkwan and Vernon give me a weird look. "That's good to hear." He's wearing a under armor shirt so his muscles peak out well. I try not to stare, and focus on his face. "Thanks," I bow silently before following Seungkwan and Vernon back to our conjoined tables.
