Letters To My Ex

love, trust

relationships seem so hard, even if they're not quite relationships.

for me, the hardest thing was trusting you, and you knew it. i wanted to explain why i didn't trust you so many times, but i believed that wouldn't make any difference. it would be just another excuse.

but the reason why i didn't trust you was because i've been hurt so many times before. the first guy that i've ever had real feelings for only thought as me as a toy, and i let him. i was so oblivious to what was going on. i thought he realled liked me, i thought that he only had eyes for me, but i was so blind by everything. i found out later that he was always talking to other girls and that he kept leaving me for other girls, a couple of them my friends. yet i still fell for him. but i told myself after him and a couple of other guys that i wouldn't be so naive when it comes to boys.

but unlucky for you, you were the first boy after them. you seemed like such a perfect guy for me that i got worried. worried that you would just turn out like the rest of them, and leave me so heart broken and sad all over again. and there was no well that i wanted to do that again. so i kept my guard up when it came to that, and i kept checking up on you. i would always ask you if you were talking to someone else. but i rememeber this conversation perfectly.

Me: "are you talking to anyone else?"

You: "no."

You: "do you trust me?"

Me: "yes, why?" -i was lying

You: "because every time you ask me this kind of question it proves to me that you don't."

and i forget what i said after that, but i was shocked because of how true what you said was. and i hated admitting that truth, so that made me feel guilty. but i also remembered what caleb, carter, tate and steve did to me so i continued not to trust you. 

and then i got worried when i thought you started losing interest in me, and thought all the cute things you were saying to me were lies and so i began doubting you more.

and when you got sick, i definitly didn't believe you until you went to the hospital a few times. i thought you were just lying about being sick so you wouldn't have to spend any more time with me. if only i believed you, and trusted you, that wouldn't have caused any tention between us like it did and make us happier. but honestly, even if i did trust you, it would still be the same. i would've gotten mad at you still for not giving me as much attention, and not wanting to spend time with me, or anyone.

i'm still at loss of words for what happeed between us.

i just know if i trusted you more, it would have made things better.

maybe it could have kept us trying.

but it wouldn't.

i tried to trust you, eventually, i really did.

even when i trusted you, it was too late.

me not trusting you lead to me not trusting you.

and me practically cheating on you made you not trust me.

i regret it everyday. 

if only i trusted you.