It's been about nine years since you passed away. I'm still having trouble finding peace with myself, but I can't stop this awful feeling inside of me knowing how I betrayed you. I'll never be able to fall in love again like how I did for you. You gave me the best of me but I turned away from that, full of lust and a desire for more.
Now I realize that you were all I needed and all I wanted.
I wake up every morning and look in the direction of where you used to sleep. I know that you're not there, but it's the sense of what used to be. There's still a small curve in the mattress that fit your body.
I keep the letter you wrote on my bedside table. Every now and then I reread it. They are the last words you will ever give to me. Though, the last words we ever spoke out loud are haunting and linger in the back of my mind filled with guilt.
"I can't believe you're just letting me go."
"What do you want me to do?" I remember the way your voice began to rise. I could feel the hurt in your words. "Get mad? Yell at you? Find this lady and curse her out? I'm not going to do that. Look, I'm happy you found someone that you love. Just go to her before I regret having to let go."
But I didn't love her. I never did, but I couldn't find a way to express that then. I had to own up to my mistakes.
It was our daughter's first day of high school. I picked her up from school to bring her home. There was a huge smile on her face as she approached the car. "Did you have a good day?"
She let out a small laugh. "Yeah. I made a new friend."
"You did?" I put the car in drive and started to pull out of the school.
"I did. He's new and didn't really have anyone to hang out with so I ate lunch with him. We have a lot in common and he's really funny."
"Ah," I nodded, now smiling as well. There was a small pause before I continued. "You know how proud (y/n) would be of you?"
Our daughter looked at her hands that were clasped on her lap. "What exactly happened?" she asked in a small voice. She's never asked this question before. I think it's just because she was too scared to, or didn't know if I would talk about it.
I let out a slow breath. Then, I told her the whole story of how we met. Friends to lovers. Marriage. Your sickness. Even my mistake. "(Y/n) was the most wonderful person in the world. The one I truly loved." I briefly glanced to our daughter in the passenger seat. Her eyes were still locked on her hands on her lap. "Don't make any stupid decisions like what I did. Promise?"
She carefully nodded. "Promise," she whispered.
Later that night, I sat on the edge of the bed. I couldn't sleep well. Nights like these, I think of you the most. Eyeing my side table, I found the letter sitting on the edge. I carefully held in in my hands and became to unfold it.
Dear Haechan,
I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner. While writing this, I'm on stage four of my cancer and there isn't much else the doctors can do. Since I had to miss out on a lot of work, I couldn't pay the hospital for any medical bills and couldn't get the treatment I needed.
It was too hard for me to bring up the situation to you. I felt that if I told you how sick I was it would hurt you just as much as it is for me. I see now that you would've moved on easily.
I'm not mad. I'm just disappointed. In the beginning, you were so friendly to me. I had no friends but you became one so quickly. It got to the point where I thought maybe it could be more. It was promising. That promise turned to a commitment of love. I was the happiest and luckiest person in the world then. I put my trust in you. My trust in you to stay. I had my suspicions early, but I didn't want to jump to conclusions because I loved you so much. That's also when I received the news of my disease and then found the messages. I knew it was time to let go. Time leaves us like a dream. Before I knew it, my cancer had worsened to the point where there was no saving me.
I hope you found this letter and know that I'm now gone.
All the way up until my death I loved you. Before my fate finally stripped life away from me, I thought that nothing would really last; like life and love. But now I realize that even after death, my love will stay written in the history of my story, making it live on forever. Please take good care of our daughter. Raise her to not make bad decisions. I hope that one day you can tell her more about me. That is my dying wish.
Stay happy and healthy, Haechan.
Love, (y/n)
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