Love

Ignorance.

Confidence.

Self esteem.

Happiness.

All traits that I should posses to overcome my insecurities and flaws. What do I have? Sorrow, scars, not wanted body shape, and ugliness. My body is short and has a ton of unwanted fat that I starve myself to get rid of. But it never works as I continue bloating. My face has imperfections that no girl would ever want to imagine if having. No matter how many masks, face washes or creams I apply, they never seem to vanish.

Everyday, I walk down the school halls wanting to run away to an isolated place where nobody will judge me or look at like a mere piece of trash. Having friends who only gave me betrayal for popularity didn't help my situation. The cuts on my wrists were covered by my baggy clothes which I wore to cover up my body. Makeup made me even more uglier as my acne showed up oddly, and my glasses took up half of my face.

As I do a simple task as sit down in my seat, people look at me with a strange look on their face and whisper while pointing. Others look at me with a sympathetic smile as if I should be sorry I was born. Nobody wanted to be in the proximity of three feet from me because of a made up disease that I carry.

After school I would often be shoved against the walls harshly outside the school and left there to struggle. Sometimes I was even left with the gift of blood while people said crude words. How was I bearing all this?

Mason Gray.

Tall, lean, and dark haired he captured the remaining pieces of my broken heart and somehow gave me a will to live.

Not kind, not empathetic, not understanding, not anywhere even close to my level. But somehow, I loved him. I did. He's never once smiled at me, just looked at me, that too like everyone else. He's never helped me as people shove me down and laugh. He's never talked to me and doesn't even know my name.

But I was attracted to him. Why I did is a question I wondered to myself all four years and counting, but I never got the answer. In every fault he had, I turned them into a good quality and defended him whenever I tried to think he wasn't worth it. Maybe I loved him because of his looks, his smile, or just his charm that caught me in this bubble I couldn't escape.

High school ended after four long years. After countless suicide attempts, insults, beatings and shed tears, I left Windordale City and started my own business of homeless kids where they get transferred to loving families.

To say I glowed up would be an understatement.

Acne cleared, skinnier body with loving curves -thanks to the tremendous amount of working out- silky brown hair, and unblemished face, I was a confident and independent lady. I still didn't have many friends, but I was happy from the bottom of my heart. Not because I was prettier, or have a better physical appearance but because I was doing something I loved. Helping others brought a self dignity that I didn't have before and the positive aroma that I lived in made me a happier and mature woman.

One day I received a message for our ten year high school reunion. Why I got invited was probably to be made fun of, the only reason they ever knew I existed. After some thought I accepted the invitation, to show everyone what I'm worth, to show them that I'm not some clown or beggar to be made fun of for their entertainment.

But I have respect.

Honor.

Regard.

A personality.

That belongs to me which nobody can tarnish anymore.

To show them who I really am and I cannot be thrown around like a plastic bag.

As I flew back to our high school, terrible memories flooded through my mind but I shook them away and walked confidently.

I saw all my abusers, and all my bullies who called me disgusting names and did unspeakable things to me. They looked at me in awe and everyone seemed to go silent.

Head up, I walked past everyone, when I saw him. Mason.

He examined me and his eyes widened. I felt my heart beating and it suddenly felt hot. Walking towards me in his handsome suit and tie, he grabbed my hand and held it between his. Looking into my eyes with such adore he touched my face and leaned in closer. This moment was all I ever dreamed of my whole life. But I now realized that this wasn't it. This isn't even close to what I want.

As his eyes fluttered shut, I stepped back. I slapped his cheek with much force and walked past him, into the crowd. There I saw a group of my other bullies. Grabbing a bowl of punch, I drenched all of them, turned around in my right black dress and heels, and walked out the party with a smile.

And for the first time in my life, I actually was happy. There was a glow of my face that didn't seem to go away.

I always wondered if I'll ever be happy with who I am. I worried that if other people aren't happy with who I am, then how will I ever be happy which myself, and that made me feel even more depressed. Then I realized that it's all a simple cycle. Diffidence, insecurities, and sorrow, it's all a cycle that brought me in and destroyed me. I was a hopeless romantic who just wanted love from a handsome guy, but looks aren't all that matter. Everyone saw what I appeared to be, but nobody saw who I really was inside. Those who judged never understood, but those who understood would never have judge.

. . . . .

Sometimes our thoughts are so backed up by our insecurities, that they flood our mind with lies that we believe. Your appearance is meant to be a plus, not the whole package. It's too much valued in our society. Beauty gets appearance but personality captures the heart. Don't be ashamed of who you are or jealous of who others are but be happy with what God has given you in life. Let your smile alter the world, but don't let the world alter your smile.

You are beautiful.

You are so loved.