Here Alone

Empty

First of all I'm so so proud of you. I don't know how you did it I somehow feel like you're stronger than I'll ever be. You took on the scary world and fought back every tear that threatened to fall because you were too busy focusing on your future. I don't think i would have the strength to do that.

You're somehow a different person, no a whole person that I don't even know. I try to connect you to me but you somehow seem like a different person. I want to talk about EVERYTHING you went through. But I'm afraid, ashamed, embarrassed, disappointed, in disbelief and amazed about how far you've come . It also seems unreal that you went through that. It's like I'm talking about this person that I don't even know.

My deepest fear is that I'll never be able to meet you halfway. I mean archive everything you dreamed of. The lifestyle and dreams you wanted accomplish. I'm exhausted and I don't think I can carry on the fight. Whenever I think about your dreams I don't think I'll be able to accomplish them. That thought on its own makes me feel like I'm disappointing you. You had bigger plans for US.

However right now everything feels so dark. How do I get over the things people did to you. The hardest part is that they're not strangers they're close family members and it's hard to turn over the page. I do want to turn over the pages. No I think I want to Forget that's why it's hard to turn over the page. My birthday is coming up and I'm not even excited for it. Like not even a little bit and that makes me want to cry. How can I not be excited to celebrate You.

I feel like there's nothing to celebrate at all. I want more for you believe me I do. But I feel beat and I cry more than you did can you believe that. I hate seeing pictures of me smiling I just don't feel the way I represent myself on those pictures.