Catering to the Fandoms

1 ~ Original

A/N Thank you GeekyJediMaster and Namjinshipper3 for the inspiration. Accidentally saying "Don't sh*t" instead of "Don't shoot" takes a special kind of skill, don't you think?

As I made my way towards the bathroom, all I could think was North Korea may be interesting, but I really have to pee!

My family and I had been on a tour for the past two hours, and three bottles of water tend to go right through you!

I opened the door and almost jumped out of my skin. My bladder screamed in protest as I fought the urge to pee down my leg. A fully armed guard was standing at attention inside the public bathroom! He had close-cropped hair and dull eyes. His pale green uniform matched those of the police officers we'd seen earlier in the day. Sunlight from the doorway glinted off of the large gun in his hands. His eyes were fixed on me. Surely, I was going to die.

But no. He just stared at me for a moment before mumbling something under his breath and returning his gaze to the door.

"What. . . What was that?" I tentatively asked.

"Don't. Sh*t." the guard said through gritted teeth.

"Uh, okay."

Weird request. But since I only had to pee and he had a loaded gun, I didn't ask. Three of the five stalls were out of order, but both of the working stalls were vacant, so I took one.

Another person entered the bathroom while I was in the stall. They were given the same warning - Don't sh*t.

I finished my business and was in the middle of washing my hands when I smelled a faint odor. Oh no.

I watched in horror through the mirror, waiting for the guard to notice. His brow furrowed slightly as he sniffed the air. When he was able to identify the scent, he visibly stiffened, cocked his gun, and furiously stalked towards the occupied stall. The guard roughly slammed his hand against the door three times.

"Occupied," a soft voice responded from inside.

The guard actually growled, "What did I say earlier?"

A gulp from inside the stall. "Uh. . . don't sh*t?"

"Exactly," the guard's eyes were murderous. "Open up."

"Well, I'm using the bathroom right now, but-" He was cut off when the guard kicked down the stall door! I stifled a surprised gasp.

"Please! No! Please!" the man cried, begging for mercy. A single shot rang out.

The guard shut the stall door and taped something to it. When he walked away, I was able to see the door's new addition: a neon yellow Out of Order sign. Glancing behind me, I saw that the guard had returned to his original post. Utterly terrified, I quickly dried my hands and made a beeline for the door. Right before I left, he grabbed my arm. I jumped.

"Just remember," he said, "don't sh*t."