remember // c.h.

.5

dear cal,
i think about your first gig as a real band all the time, just so you know.
i remember the way your eyes lit up at the 12 people that were standing in front of you.
hey, it was a start. a perfect start, at that.
you sang mostly covers at that gig, and that song you wrote that was really really bad.
but we thought it was good. our 15 year old selves. and ash's 17 year old self. i thought it was amazing until you played me gotta get out.
that was good. like, for real good.
i remember sitting in your treehouse at 11:17 because that was the time you told me to be there. you got out your guitar and told me you wrote it about us.
i also remember me crying by the end of it because no one had ever written me a song before.
you wiped my tears away and kissed me on the cheek and said,
"baby, that was the first of many, many more songs to come."
which made me cry even more.
and then you walked me home (because we lived in neighborhoods side by side), hand in hand, with you putting your arm around my shoulders every now and then to pull me even closer. you knew i loved when you did that.
because i'm 5'4 and you're like 6 feet tall.
and then you kissed me on my doorstep before you ran home because you knew i hated clichès.
you kissed me on the doorstep every time you took me home.
and yes you idiot, i knew it was just to get on my nerves.
but i almost didn't mind.
and i hate so much that i'm still so in love with you.
i hate it.
because i would rather hate you for leaving me than hate myself for letting you.
love always,
alex
ps.
i smiled while i wrote this even though i was crying.
i hate that you do that to.
god, how do you make me smile even when you're thousands of miles away?