remember // c.h.

.6

dear cal,
today is my birthday.
would you like to know how i'm celebrating?
watching 'how i met your mother' in bed and eating jelly beans.
my mom came in and gave me some gift cards and like a hundred pancakes.
i don't feel anything, but i'm pretty sure i'm not as sad as i was a week ago.. or even yesterday.
damn it. my therapist was right. these letters are helping.
i don't even think you are reading these.. but if you are, thank you for not responding.
i also don't think you remember my 16th birthday.
when my party flopped and 7 people showed up.
which included you and the boys, cali, and two stoners only there to get high.
even though i was so upset and embarrassed that no one came, you guys made it the best birthday party to date. (after ash kicked out the stoners, of course)
you guys took me to the roof of that building, I forget what it was, but we had the best time up there.
ash brought a radio (i'm almost positive he turned the volume up so loud it could be heard 3 blocks over) and we danced and sang and talked all night long.
it wasn't much, but it was one of the happiest and most memorable nights of my life.
just having all of the people I love right there with me, celebrating another year of me being alive.
i wish all of you were here with me right now.
unfortunately it's just cali and me. both curled up in my bed and crying.
she's been sad too, but at least we have each other.
i miss you cal.
so damn much it hurts.
love,
alex
ps. i still wear the bracelet you gave me last year. the words are becoming hard to read, but it doesn't matter because they are etched onto my heart forever.
"darling, don't give up"
and it's the only reason i don't.