Dear Diary

Entry 7

Dear diary,

I can't get this out of my head. I have all these stories I want to make. All these stories I want to finish. Some I want to start... but I can't. Nothing drives me enough to where I can tell myself "I can finish what I've started." But I can't.

I've put up barriers for myself knowing that I have these expectations I can't reach . The world has expectations that I want to reach but when I start to climb up those stairs of expectations I can't do it. I can't finish. I fall right back down before I make it to the last step.

So I keep trying and trying but something always makes me fall over. I start to trip on myself. I trip on my words. I trip on the stairs f expectations. I want someone to tell me the words I need to hear so I can finish what I've started.

I want to be mad at the world right now but I can only be mad at myself. Cause I know that my brain is so used to doing nothing that everything I start something it'll never get finished. So I ask myself when I start....can I finish this.

And to be honest I can never answer myself. It's like a part of me is tearing into two I can't decide wether or not i will finish a story or if I will take it down before the first chapter...

I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS

I CANT DEAL WKTH THE STRESS

IM A CHILD I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO BELIEVE MY STORIES AREN'T GOOD ENOUGH

I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO BELIEVE ALL MY STORIES WILL NEVDR BE SEEN

.........

I always have the urge to do something but never do it . I can't tell people these feelings cause I'm scared o what they might say what they might do.

'If I tell them will they look down on me'

'See me differently'

'Act like everything is okay when it isn't'

No because that's what I do

I tell my family everything is okay EVERYDAY WHEN I SAY IM FONE IM NOT AND IM TO PROUD TO ADMIT I  NEED HELP BUT I DONT WANT TO ASK FOR IT. IT WOMT BE GOVEN TO ME LIKE CANDY....

.......
Hey
Reader
I'm not the best writer
And may never compare to anything in life
My mind was set up to believe that I was meant for something special. Like I was meant for something bigger. Like I was suppose to do something to change the world. I'm having a break down.....a mental break down. I have the imagine of who I need to be but I can't be I have an imagine of who my family needs me to be but I can't be.

Everyone wants something different about me.
My father wishes I was more talkative. Shalae wishes I stop getting mad.

But what about me.
What do I wish.
I wish I could just go away.
Be left alone but not left out. I wish I could sound different look different. Physically I have scoliosis, my kidney nearly failed me, I'm mentally unstable, and I'm broken.

I'm a shattered piece of glass that you cant get rid of or replace. I'm just there a nuisance.

Writing this made me realize

I don't know who I want to be anymore

I don't know who is gonna save me now

I'm drowning in anxiety,fear,shame

It runs in the family.

These feelings run in the family yet

Their is no one I can relate to

Everyone has a story but not can relate to mine.

I've accepted this fact

That

I am

And will always be

Alone