What Lies Beneath

Chapter Fourteen

Chapter 14

Jamie and I silently prepare ourselves for bed. Once we lie down on opposite ends of the mattress, Jamie finally starts talking to me.

"I don't really know mom that well," she admits.

"It's alright, I really don't either."

Her voice half agree with me and she turns to the center of the bed to look at me, "But you actually had the chance to live with her, I was basically shunned from the family."

I turn toward the center of the bed too, "See, I don't think that's it. Why would they shun you from the family when you were just a child? There has to be something else there."

"Hm, I just don't know," she says half-heartedly.

I hesitate when I ask, "Is that why you're scared to talk to mom? That she won't want to see you?"

Even through the dark, I can tell she doesn't want to look at me when she answers, "I just don't want to be rejected again. I had to live on my own once I turned 18 and it wasn't an easy life to adjust to. If I let myself think that I could have a family and a permanent place to stay and it doesn't happen, I wouldn't know what to think." She pauses for a moment. "Sorry, you didn't have to hear that."

"No, it's nice to know what you think about this. It blows me away what you've been through and I've been oblivious to it until this point. I'm glad I found you because I was running out of options for a while on what to do after mom was in the hospital."

When I said she was in the hospital, she shutters.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"Seriously, it's alright."

She takes a light breath and thinks about what she says before she speaks. "The idea that I actually have a mom, a family, is wonderful. The fact that it is dying off before I even have a chance to meet them is terrifying. It makes me feel like I was the one that caused this because I came back to find out what was going on." She sees me automatically disapprove of her comment, so she adds, "I know it's not my fault, but what else is there to think? That's how I've been thought of my entire life."

I sit in the silence and try to form how much harder her life has been compared to mine.

"You know what, we should go see her tomorrow. I know you don't want to but that way we can spend some time with her together."

"Haven't you been seeing her?"

"I really haven't wanted to because I had no purpose to, but with you we both have a reason to be there."

She ponders on that for a moment, "Alright, but I don't want to tell Janet."

"Why not?"

"I'm really suspicious of her, her stories seem really rehearsed. Like everything that happened just happened and there was not reasoning to back it up." I stay silent and wait for her to elaborate. "Ok well why would she go through this much for James? I understand that there's a whole family situation but they could have easily gotten another person to do this if she didn't want to get involved. Then James and David get in a 'silly' fight that was caused by what? One of them didn't set the table? It just seems very shady and Janet has a lot of things she still isn't telling us, I can tell."

"I know but I'm sure she doesn't want to tell us everything in one night."

"Whatever you say, all I'm saying is there's a lot more to find out than what she's said to us." Yeah, now's a good time to stop harping on it, so I turn back around and face the outside of the bed.

With everything that's happening so fast, I realize I haven't talked to Clara for a while. I can't imagine what she's going through right now, how much pain she's been through in the past couple years. I want to help but how do you help pain? At least what's going on with me there's a reasonable explanation but with her and that guy, there's no explanation for that.

And then when I kissed her? That's probably the stupidest thing I could have done. People like him make me angry, angry that our society has no respect for anyone and they can get away with it.

I need to stop thinking. This is too much for one day, way too much. I want to think thoughtless happy thoughts so I think of Clara and our conversations at lunch and during class. The thing I love about her is the way she looks at life and lives in the moment, something I wish I could do. Maybe after this year ends, we could go far away from this torment. She can go to college at some scholar school and I can do what I want to do without anyone to tell me I can't.

Maybe, just maybe.