the remedy for a broken heart (why am I so in love)

-suburbia:muskoka-

Remember how we used to be so unafraid
Of the world outside your windowpane
In a constant state of misbehaviour

You really put a mark on me. You made me feel things that I had never felt before and it was one of the most amazing feelings in the entire world. I like to imagine us, still, and put us in different scenarios where it's still working out and we're a perfect match and unbelievably into each other all the time and nothing seems to be like it could end us. I think about that a lot. I'll imagine myself going to your school, how we'd meet, how we'd fall in love, how I'd eventually muster up enough courage to ask you out while trying to deal with my sexuality but no one really gives too much of a shit up there so it definitely wouldn't terrify me as much as it does. I still like to think of us as some type of rebel. Not in the most well known sense of the word, but we were still rebels in my eyes. Forbidden to speak and the threat of calling police thrown in the mix didn't stop us in the slightest. It may have hurt us more in the end since we both know we should've just stopped then and there so we weren't hurting this much right now. Or at least so I'm wouldn't be hurting as much as I am right now. We were so nonchalant, even though we were both scared of getting caught. Nonetheless, I was caught on multiple occasions but my parents know I'm going to continue to talk to you even if they forbid it, so it was more of a risk for you than it ever was for me. It's hard for me to say that I miss that. The thing I miss is what we were. It didn't matter if we couldn't be together in the sense that everyone wants to be with the person they're in love with, we were still stubborn as hell about it and made it work in some way. I just miss how we never used to give up, and right now it just feels like I'm waving a white flag and accepting that I've lost my battle.

Nothing to lose, and nothing to live for
Nothing to prove, no rings on our fingers
Protected by a plastered castle of picture books
Why did we leave that life behind?

I know what I had to lose, but it didn't matter to me. Not really. I was lazy with my work sometimes, showing two different pictures of two completely different looking people to anyone who asked to see you, and it almost came and bit me in the ass a few times. I was lazy with who followed you and who had access to seeing who you actually were. That one scared me. They almost found me out but one of them was way too stupid to put two and two together and the other one is my best friend who is way too intelligent to let anything about me get past her. I've had many scares, but none of them ever made me stop talking to you. I'd always find some way back. Justify why I'd send you a text with some pitiful reason that seemed logical at the time. I never realized how much of an effect it had on you; all the back and forth, pushing and pulling, yes and no... just everything. It didn't affect me nearly as much because I was the one pulling all the strings. I was the puppeteer, pulling whatever string I wanted to at whatever time I pleased because I took you for granted. And for that I'm incredibly sorry. We weren't exclusive for a while, but it sure as hell felt like we were. I didn't want anyone else but you. I couldn't imagine myself with anyone else but this small girl who had stolen my heart from 800 miles away. Crazy, right? How can you know you love someone when you've never even met them? I thought it was stupid, too. Until I knew I was losing all my wits and falling so hard and so fast and I was so fucking in love with you. Then, it wasn't stupid at all. We didn't have rings on our fingers, though I did give you one (but that's later), but it felt like we did. It felt like I could've married you at any instant if you'd asked and we went through with it. We were so in love and so sheltered in our bubble that thickened by the seconds that we spent talking to each other at any given moment we had that we didn't even realize we had floated straight down to hell in the process. At least that's what it feels like now. That's where it feels like I am. I ask myself why sometimes. Why did we have to end it? Why does it have to hurt so much? Why can't we just continue whatever relationship this is? But I remember not too long after all the reasons why. I remember how I'd make you cry and how the guilt from everything I'd ever done would eat me alive. I never forgave myself for anything, even though you begged me to stop living in the past and forgive myself because you'd already let it go. I guess I still just can't forgive myself because when I close my eyes at night and I imagine your hands and your lips and your kisses and your smile, it just fucking hurts.