Martyr

Chapter 5

Parker

What a psychotic bitch! I get hit by a car and then that Alice girl breaks into my house, breaks my window, and puts cigarettes on my window, asking me on a date. She has got to be imaginary, 'cause someone this insane can't be real.

I spent last night sleeping in the living room, Olivia kept me company. My dad boarded up the window while my mom cleaned up the mess. Wonderful, right?

We didn't even hear her break in, and we definitely didn't see her car. God, this girl is not real, she possesses godly powers. First, she finds out where I live, she must've followed me home. Second, she breaks into my house without me hearing-That's impossible! I'm a good listener, I hear the slightest things. Besides, anyone would hear that, but no one did. Third, she managed to use her godly powers on my parents to make it okay. Like, my parents weren't mad.

Usually, my dad would tell me to call the police and my mom would be frantic. No, no, no, no. Not this time. They didn't care. Not one tiny bit.

Seeing the glass shattered further emotionally damaged me. I'm sensitive, alright? I don't care about my windows, all I care about is my future, things I liked doing. Things that made me happy. Football, it was somewhere on there, but my camera... Oh boy...

Don't get me started on my camera.

Lately, I can't seem to find inspiration. Ever since that failed abortion of a driver decided it'd be fun to ram into me and break my camera, things have been shit. Without my camera, I've felt like an artist without their paintbrush. Or without the canvas. Something's just missing from my life and I feel so terrible about it. I need something to compensate for it, just anything...

At least it'll be a bit less embarrassing to go out and buy a new camera when I get out of the wheelchair. That's, like, next month. I'm a fighter, I heal quickly.

Hell. It's Saturday. It's Saturday, Saturday evening. Date with Alice, might as well go. My life will go to shit either way. I meet her at S&B, where she's-surprise-smoking a cigarette. Her hair looks a bit curlier and messier, and-Wait, she's wearing my jersey. Okay, yeah, no, this girl is crazy.

"Glad you came," Alice says with a somewhat raspy voice, "let's do something exciting." Jesus? Lord? God Almighty? You're supposed to help me in times of need and this is a big time of need. Help.

"Exciting?" I ask, raising an eyebrow.

"Haven't you ever had fun in your life?"

"Yeah. But then I got hit by a car, nothing's exciting after that," I sarcastically answer as she steps behind me and pushes me to the delicatessen that her dad owns. I don't even protest, there's no point in arguing to someone like her. You either lose or get pushed off a cliff.

The place is nice and clean, I see Jeff (her dad) cleaning off some tables, not even giving a quick glance to Alice as she pushes me into some other room. This new room is like some office. Too clean. It's weird. Everything's lined up so perfectly, the pencils are lined up next to each other... Everything's clean. Alice places me in a corner and sits across from me in a grey office chair.

"Your dad has OCD, I'm guessing?" I ask, staring at the desk.

"Probably," she says, "but he never comes in here. Too busy trying to keep everything on the outside perfect, but he doesn't get that this internal workspace is what really matters to keep functioning."

"Wow. Deep."

"No, really. The computer's going to break down, the sales records will be lost. We're fucked!" Alice starts laughing hysterically as if it was the funniest thing on this planet, but I just give a small chuckle. "Truth or dare?"

"Uh, truth, I guess."

Alice looks excited. "How big are you?" Whatthefuckwhatthefuckwhatthefuck? This girl is crazy. We just meet and she's asking my dick size. No way, José.

"No. Abso-fucking-lutely not."

She now looks confused. "What? Isn't that what people ask?" Maybe your people, but not mine. "Fine, fine. How are you holding up?" She looks at me like she knows.

I consider lying, but she'd probably know. "I'm not doing so well. I've lost a ton of weight, I can't really look at food the same way as I did before. I used it to be healthy and... I'm not so healthy now. I used it for the things I loved. The people that made me happy. Without either of those in my life, I've been fucked up, you know? I... feel like... I'm lost. I'm an artist without their canvas, or their brush. Something's missing from my life."

"I pick dare, by the way," Alice states, "but tough luck, kid."

I dare her to mess with the desk, and she does it. We continue playing for a long time, and I've learned a lot more than I thought I knew. Her full name is Alice Raleigh Arcanato, which is extremely beautiful. I told her about how much I loved photography, she told me about how much she loved weed. But not really. She was just pretending to love all these drugs because her friends did them.

She's a beautiful person. Honestly. I think I'd like another one of these dates. Not my ideal date, but I liked it. It's still going on, I like it.

By closing time, I felt like I knew her better than I knew myself. I tell myself she isn't all too creepy and I believe it. She really took the time to listen to me and hear me out. She understood. For the first time in my life, it wasn't me listening to people. Alice was listening to me, even when I didn't make sense. She never makes sense either.

"Want to know a secret?" she asks me, lighting a cigarette, then offering me. I politely decline. "I think... I think I killed someone." Alice has this smirk on her face.

"What? When?" I'm confused. She was hitting it off so well, too.

"I can't tell you, Parker."

"God, Alice, why not?"

"Because I'm going to end up hurting you. It's what I do, I don't mean to. It's the unshakable habit. Stop asking me about it! I don't want to hurt you, but I will. I always hurt people I get close to," Alice says, "you'll just get bored, anyway. I'm FUBAR."

Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition.

I just want to scream in her face and tell her we all are fucked up, some more subtle, some more obvious, like her and me. And I'm going to hurt her because that's human nature. We hurt and we get hurt, we cannot do anything about it until we accept the simplest way of life. I want to yell at her and tell her she isn't FUBAR, even if I just met her and hated her for most of this time. I'd never get bored. How could you get bored of someone so complex?

God, Alice, people could love you if you didn't push them away all the time, I say in my head. I really think she deserves a shot. So I'll give her one. She's a sweet girl, really misjudged. But I have still seen her somewhere, I can't get my mind off it. And killed someone? What was that about?

I'm scared. This is the first date, I'm already scared. I'm always the one who loves more. Especially with someone like her. I... can't describe it. It happens every single time. I'm always let down and hurt. I want to do something for once. I've given up on my future, life, everything. But I refuse to give up on love.