Martyr

Chapter 6

Alice

wow, parker's such a dork, it's cute. if he weren't in that wheelchair, i'd fuck him like my hedonistic adventure wanted me to.

he makes me happy so far. this is from one date. he told me all these secrets about him, and just things. parker said that his favorite band were 'the smiths.' i love their songs. this was so (500) days of summer. hate that movie. it shows a lot of true shit, though.

i don't want us to turn out like that. hell, what am i talking about? there is no 'us.' and even if there will be, i'll be the pathetically in love one.

i want someone to realize they want to be with me forever because i'm better than most.

i want you to read that sentence over and over again until it means something to you.

before saturday, i wanted nothing more than to get rid of myself. why? because this world didn't need a useless, impulsive druggie like me. it needs people who are martyr lovers, like parker. people who would rather die than to lose the one they loved. i find it a bit emotionally attached and stupid, but if the world was all like that, i think true loves would be too easy.

before saturday, i spent my life filling myself with substances that should not be in my blood, i spent my life taking medications, not taking medications-i wasn't living. then saturday happened, and i had fun for the first time. i got to know him. i did.

i'm starting to realize something, though. the time frame fits perfectly, and everything is falling out of place and into place all at once. i can't handle it. my heart's aching because i don't want it to be true. parker's the closest i've ever gotten to with someone.

later saturday night, he texted me and asked me what i was talking about when i told him that i think i killed someone.

the truth is, i think i killed him. i think i was the one who was in the car and shattered his camera and life. having parker even the slightest infatuated or interested in me is too much to lose, i can't lose him. i cannot lose him.

i couldn't tell him the truth because he seemed happier yesterday, and i can't break him. not again. the day i got better was the day i broke, but then saturday happened, and i felt better than ever. sometimes it's complicated, and feelings are put in weird places, but you never want to hurt someone you care for and love so much. you never do, and you're supposed to put them first, no matter what.

and that's what i'm going to do. i'm going to not tell him. we're going to last for however long he decides to keep me, which, because he's a so-called martyr lover, will be forever. i don't want to hurt him. he's too... precious, adorable, he's too sweet to hurt. even if we're only best friends, or not friends at all, i will always care about him.

i remember once i saw him at a party. he just got so frustrated because he saw the girl he was dating at the time make out with this other guy. and they weren't drunk. he left with steam coming out of his ears and raged all the way back home. but i bet he cried all night. he's too in touch with his emotions to be a guy.

parker. i ruined his life and gave it back to him. a while ago, on the "good day" for me, i was in the car with my dad. i was driving. we were talking about life and i told him that i think i should stop going to group therapy because i do have friends and i'd stop doing all these drugs. i'd try, because life was what i wanted to do.

but then, i saw a teenage boy run out in the middle of the street with some professional camera. my thoughts went like this:

wait, is that...?

i don't know him.

yes i do.

i'm still stepping on the gas.

fuck.

fuck.

fuck.

i think he's dead.

shit.

there was a moment of silence (or ten moments) until my dad looked over at me and said, "did you just..."

"run him over?" i finished his question.

"yeah."

"yeah." i was scared to death, my dad was scared to death. he slowly pulled out his phone and dialed 911.

i was scared because... i said i never knew parker. that was a lie. at that one party, i just wanted to hold him. i'd make him feel better i went to the same middle school as him. i didn't know him then. i heard of him, but i didn't care about him because i didn't know him.

i think that at that party, i fell in love with him. i wanted to love him and i wanted him to love me. i did love him, but unrequited love isn't fun. at least now, we have some connection. but i'd love him more than anyone ever could. i could treat him right, i could make him feel loved. no one else could give someone like him that feeling except for me, i understand him. it hurts me to know that i'm going to have to hurt him so much.

i want him so badly.

but i barely know him. i barely fucking know him. now, i'm fucking in love with him. i can't hurt him. i want him more than i want anyone. i just have to hope that he'll be okay and want me too.

love is a funny thing. sometimes you love someone and they love you back. sometimes you love someone and they love someone else. sometimes you are in love with someone, and they should be in love with you, and you'd give them the world if it'd make them any happier, but you know that you hurt them and that you just do because you have feelings like they do. i need to stop thinking about people and make myself happy. it's so hard because he... he means the world to me, currently.

and i can't shake him.

but i hurt him and... i don't want to do it anymore.

i just want it to be innocent. i want us to start fresh. he'd meet my parents and i'd meet his, they'd think he's a nice, young boy, and they'd think i'm a fuck up. but we will love each other. at least, that's how my fantasies go.

i don't like loving because someone always ends up hurt. i can't be brokenhearted and i won't be, but parker will allow himself to be.

i love him but i just cannot.

and god, i hate myself because of everything.

oh well.