My every day life and the randomness

Do I really hate basketball that much? (Edited)

To started it off, no I don't hate the ball. No I don't hate the way you play it. Because it kind of remind me about haiyuu.

There are many  problem with me and my basketball lesson or club or what ever you call it. I can still hear my parent talking about me, how I never fit with other people blah blah blah. Sometime I pretend like I didn't hear it. But sometimes it's hurt.

Today is 16/06/18 ( morning 5:20 am )

My dad woke me up just now telling me to be ready because they started at 7:00 while I still haven't finish hanging the clothes in the washing machine yet.  He asked "Why are you so lazy? Don't you want to go to school (basketball)?" I didn't say anything to him. Until I asked up "I don't want to go to school (basketball) today?"

Normally they would say ok but today they just have to asked the question they I scared the most. That I avoid the most.  Why

I don't know how to answer his question.  I never like to study basketball since the started of the year. I never have basketball lesson except this year. I don't like talking to people much especially the people who I never know them in my life. I hate to embarrass myself so I never have a courage to hold the ball and throw it in the hook except when we study or test. I never played with any of these people. And I was really shy to played in front of them.

They never talk to me and I never talk to them. It not simple. I never good at basketball. And these people are the type who would talk about other behind their back, looked down on people and talking about boyfriend or social media and stuff that I never do.  I didn't have my own phone yet because of my bad eyesight that's why they didn't buy for me until now. I never played with any of these people. And I was really shy to played in front of them.

The teachers weren't helping much at all. I just sit there and watch people play.  I had cry at the basketball court before. I just stand there holding the ball . On my mind I told myself just throw it but my hands and legs already froze. My heart beating fast I can hear it and it's become hard to breath too because I felt pain. Stress. Although my mouth was smiling and laugh because they all looked at me. Even when though I try, I pretend to but I can't. I'm stuck. I can't move.

I didn't even no my tear was falling down. I'm scared. I felt stupid. I drop the ball and told the teacher that I'm not taking the mid semester exam and quickly ran to the bathroom. I never told my parents what happened that day. I afraid they would say stupid you should take the test just throw the ball. Why are you so sacred. I pay $50 and you should study instead of siting around.

Yes, it cost $50 and only teach every Saturday. So it basically four time a month. From 7:00-9:00 in the morning. Not to mention the teachers haven't come to teach us about one and a half months now. I don't know the reason why some people say that they were fire. And the sport head teacher always watch over us. Clearly he do nothing but watch and go home.

And now they asked me why. I don't know how to answer the question. Which one. I know that it is also my reason that I didn't have the ball to play and practice. I said it not enough ball. They say then they will call to the head teacher and asked why their daughter didn't got to play. I say no it is not that.

They asked me again. What is it? Is it because of the teachers! I'll go and ask them make them tell me what happened. I pay for you to study and if there no teachers what the point.

He's gonna make a really big mess. I tell them again not that a bit louder. Then what just tell us. I want to cry. I don't know. I just want a day without basketball and they always have to make me feel worst like I trap. And so I go back in my room. In the end they agree with me . But I have to tell the head teacher that I would stop study basketball. I don't know if I would do it or not but we'll see what happen next.

So what do you think? Do you think I hate basketball or it is my own problem? Tell me from your point of view, and see you next time.