Illusionary feeling called Love

The Pain

The thing which i felt when i saw that nightmare had crept in me. My heart was aching due to that. This pain was even more worse than any physical pain i have ever had. I sat still, for a moment i had even forgot breathing. The person who i thought loved me the most, had objectified me. He wasn't even obsessed, he had made me a thing to show off. He had made me his toy to play with, whenever he wanted he made love to me, whenever he wanted he hurted me, whenever he felt angry, he poured all his anger at me. I so called "Amarah Bigot", one of the best interior designer,  am so stupid..so damn stupid to think that all this was his way to show love.

On the other hand was Dil. The person whom i truly loved. I know he had never loved me, neither he loves me now. God only knows why is he back now. So many years after leaving me, now he has suddenly realised that i loved him. Why didn't he see my love when he had left me. He just said "im sorry" and left. But i still loved the fact, he never ditched me, never objectified me like Sid did. I was never his 'show off' material.

I had a very strong urge to cut myself. I wanted physical pain, i was unable to bear this.
I went to the kitchen, took out the knife and cutted myself on wrist. Blood started dripping on the floor. This pain wasn't enough, so I again cutted myself more deeply. Still, the pain in my heart was more. I took salt out and sprinkled it on the cuts. It burnt. The whole pain went through my body. And still pain was less than what i was feeling.

I was unable to walk, but still managed to walk upto gallery. I
I had drowned deep into the oceans of my thoughts, when some words came into my mind out of nowhere.

I live in the world of illusion..
Don't know whom to follow Head or Heart.
My heart is convinced you love me,
And my head knows, its nothing.
I'm trapped in a love cage,
Not from today, but since an early age.
I hate to be in love...
i hate it !!

Every night i feel this, every fucking night.
i hate sorry, it doesn't make me feel better, it rather hurts.
Can you please be with me? Please?
Can you please me mine ? Please ?
A lover or friend, but
i hate being a known stranger...
i hate it !!

You’re my source of life,
You’re the air i breathe,
You’re the drug i crave for,
You’re the illusion i live in.
I love you, i really do
But you know what's ironical?
I hate to love you…
i hate it !!

Hugging my knees, i sat on floor of my gallery. It was my most loved place in my house. Even being in my happy place, i was not feeling better. Suddenly my eyes fell on the picture of Dil. His eyes, his smile. He looked cute when he was so young. But his charm remained unchanged. He never failed to attract me. Seeing his picture i was swept back to the past.

Flashback

Dil was standing there at the end of the corridor waiting for me. But i was  surrounded by teachers so i couldn't go to him. Somewhere in my heart i felt good that he was only there waiting for me.
Then he started playing with the kid sitting there, as he didnt want to go and wanted some reason to stay there.

After a lot of waiting, he went. Soon i got rid of the teachers and followed him. He went to the back ground where he was supposed to be.
I spotted him in the crowd and walked up to him. I just wanted to jump and hug him, but since everybody was around i just shook hands with him. We had a formal "friends talk", and went silent. The sun was right above shining too brightly in eyes. He stepped sidewards to prevent sun rays to come to me. Soon other friends also joined us. Though i was talking to them, i wasn't able to remove my eyes from him. I just wanted to hug him and kiss him then and there.

I took my phone out and started taking  click selfies with everyone. Just then they got a call, and it was time for them to leave. Everyone said bye, and started to leave.
As soon as everyone left, i pulled him closer and hugged him. I didn't want him to leave. I wanted to freeze that moment forever, but who has ever won against time.
He parted us, and left.

End of flashback.

Something in me pushed me and i grabbed my phone, opened his chat and texted him my address. I don't know what made me do that, but i really wanted him here.
Immediately i my phone beeped again, and it was a voice message from him. I played it,

"Amarah, i will be there in an hour, okay. Calm down dear, it will all be fine. Just don't do anything to yourself."

As heard that, tears started coming out of my eyes.

Why?
Why the hell i was stuck between these boys ?
Why was i not able to understand whom i wanted to be with?
Why both of them love me and not love me ?  

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