Every Second Counts. Phan.

four

phil

rock climbing this should be fun. i was stood next to chris and pj two boys i meet earlier. they were sharing a tent and madly in love with each other, not that they'll admit that. i can't be the only one that can see it. can i?

"phil"

the voice pulled me from my thoughts.

"come here"

i walked up to robin and he attached the rope to my harness. maybe this was a good time to mention i have a fear of highest, but i was prepared to push myself out my comfort zone and try new things.

words of encouragement poured out of the people under me as i climbed higher and higher.

"come on phil."

"you can do it "

"you're so close"

my hand reached the top and i was pulled up by mike. i was so happy and proud of myself. with my bipolar i find it hard to stay happy for more then three days. my aim was to distract myself from the negativity in my head.

when i have low moments i don't want to do anything. i can hardly got out of bed and i want to die. i've tried many time to die but none have been successful, but when i have high moments i question why i ever wanted to die. it's like the pain i felt before disappears and i can't remember why i ever felt like that.

i stayed at the top and watched the others climb up. chris got half way up and freaked out shouting about voices telling not to continue. of corse pj was straight over there to calm him down.

i smiled at their friendship. i wish i had a friend like that. i've tried with dan but he doesn't seem to want to talk to me.

"we're getting lunch you coming" pj said touching my shoulder.

i had a sandwich and an apple. while i was eating my thoughts soon turned to dan and how i hadn't seen him here yet. was his skipping food on purpose? did he have an eating disorder? he hasn't said anything about that in the meeting but then again he doesn't seem like the sort of person who wants to share anything.

"i'm worried about dan. can you come to our tent with me so i can see if he wants anything to eat?"

chris and pj both nodded and we got up and left. the walk was long and silent with the occasional twig snapping under our feet.

we reached the tent to find dan outside laying on the floor with his eyes shut. he looked so peaceful and content that i didn't want to wake him.

i heard a gasp behind me and found pj standing wide eyed with shock. i gave chris a confused to looked and he returned it.

"pj are you okay?"

he was now shaking, his knees barely holding his weight.

"h-he looks lik-like my brot-brother" he stuttered out.

by now dan had woken up to see what was going on. he gave me a confused look as pj turned and ran away for us. chris was soon chasing after him.

"what wrong what that weirdo?"

"he has ptsd dan gets random flash but to when his brother was abusing him. you clearly reminded him of that. how can you be so insensitive?"

"because i don't care about him or anyone here."

i rolled my eyes and followed chris.

we found pj 10 minutes later crying behind the toilet block.

"it's okay peej i've got you" chris whispered in his ear. it amazed me how they've known each other for two days but are already so close.

i decided to leave them alone and take this opportunity to look around the camp more.