Random shit in my mind

Thought #2

Fears. We all have them. Weather they are minor or major. I can venture to say that I don't have any irrational fears of common things that people are afraid of like death, spiders, storms, and things like that. I have no fear towards the natural animal/insect or any storms/natural causes. I can say that I have four fears and all of them are big.

My biggest fear is failiure. Literally failing. No matter what it is. If I am good at it, and I fail, it's gonna be hell. If I am bad at it, and I fail, it's going to be hell. N O M A T T E R W H A T. And I would think I failed at something for the simplest reasons.

My second biggest fear is this emogi (I spell emoji like emogi because it looks right to my eyes):🙂. It seems like the dumbest thing to exist but when I see it, I can't see it smile, but I can see it internally and internally, it's not smiling. It makes me feel edgy for alot of reasons. I hate it.

My third biggest fear is getting shot for my skin color. It has happened so much in my community and more or less, way too many members of my extended family. Just trot on a street and all of a sudden you get shot. I'm not afraid of the death part. I just hate that somebody else is taking my life just for features I was born with. The worst part is that it could happen anytime like if I am walking home with like a Sprite or something or I'm walking home with Nunu or something and all of a sudden I get shot because I looked threatening to the person who was secretly following me home. It gives me chills now because in that predicament, I don't care if I get shot as long as my baby brother is shot free and can run home himself with no other disturbance.

My last fear is finding Kier dead. He is the autistic one. I literally act like his sister, his mom, and his dad, even though he has a mom with him and a dad who chips in already. His severe autism though could cause anything to happen. Drowning (autistic kids tend to be attracted to water and he really is), getting hit (he doesn't know any street antics), getting hurt by the police (we live in a world where you can easily get shot if you don't follow directions and he can't understand the things that we say) and more. The thought of that bugs me. The other two are fully functional so they are fine but if anything comes across Nunu, it's going to be literal hell. And if I find him dead or something (I'm literally crying as I write this) then I know that I am nutting tf up.

So those are my fears. I just thought I'd share.