but you're not a boy

three

Remi's Saturday school was hard for her. She texted me all day. Since our car conversation, we were both pretty chill. Nothing seemed to bother her, and I acted the same way for the sake of our friendship. But on the inside, I felt this pull towards her. Maybe it was one of those They-Like-Me-So-I'll-Like-Them things, but a part of me wanted to believe otherwise. 

I began to get butterflies around her and defensive when people were mean to her. I looked for her in the school hallways like I was a lost dog. I even got excited when getting a text message from her. She became more attractive to me, and it was so embarrassing. 

Although this is how I seemed to feel, she kept her distance for the most part. There was occasional flirting, which was normal for our friendship. I've learned that it's just her way of being friendly, nothing more, nothing less. 

Things got really bad one day at school though. I didn't even realize what was happening until afterwards. 

I had been working on some history project with a guy I had always secretly liked. We had become kind of close, we had to. We had two weeks to finish the project which consisted of a five page typed paper from each of us and a presentation or demonstration. We spent our study halls working on it and by the end of the first week, he seemed to really enjoy my presence. We were talking in the hallway after class, Remi walks by. Oh my God. You should've seen the way I just waved her off. I was so embarrassed. She had said, "Get em baby girl" right as she was walking by. I completely ignored her. I acted like I didn't see or hear her.

The same night she texts me, "Ur an asshole, dead 2 me"

"...What did I do?"

"U treated me like shit today @ school. don't worry hon. i won't give u another chance to act like u don't know me"

"OMG, Remi, I am so sorry. I just panicked. I really like him and you embarrassed me. I didn't mean to."

"Whatever dude."

"C'mon. Don't do that. I am seriously sorry. Pls, just talk to me."

...No response. 

- 

Three weeks later she walks up to me in school. This whole time we haven't spoken to each other. I was in so much shock and honestly so happy. I didn't care what she had to say or if she was still mad at me. I gave her the biggest hug I could muster out of my body. She returned it. 

"You must've missed me, nerd."

"I have. I thought about you every night."

"Oh, so that's how it is." She winked and started to walk away. 

Oh my God, what did I just say? What am I doing? 

After talking to her later in the day, she explained that she was no longer upset with me. She had thought it over and blamed herself for saying something like that in front of a guy I liked. Jealously had taken over her. She also said she missed me, which made me blush like no other.

When school was over, we did our regular thing (which we hadn't done in three weeks). Iced coffee and to her house. When we pulled into the driveway she immediately unbuckled her seatbelt, and I started to think, Great, this is still awkward, and she still hates me. However, she just sat there. Her eyes keeping a steady focus on the house before us. 

"So are you going to tell me how you feel or not dude."

I sat so still, I think I could've passed for a statue. I didn't expect her to say that. She was always so forward, and I hated it because it took me off guard. Do I tell her that I like her? Do I tell her that I want to be with her? But do I even want that? It had been a while since I thought over the situation. I had previously come to the conclusion that I couldn't even think about liking her because my family wouldn't approve. Shit. 

"I don't know how I feel."

"So you didn't miss me? Ouch."

"No, that's not what I said."

"Well that's kind of what you said considering you don't know how you feel. How do you not know how you feel?"

"I know how I feel, but I can't feel that way."

Shit. Shit. Shit. Shouldn't have said that.

"Why? Because I'm not a dude?" Her tone was harsh. She was angry. 

"Rem...you know how my family is...I like you, but you're not a boy. They would flip."

"Do your parents even know?"

"They suspect things."

"So what's the hold up dude?"

"I've denied it. That's the hold up. I can't like you." The words slipped out like I had brewed over them for weeks. I was so frustrated with the situation to stop myself. "Just let it be."

She scoffed and left the car. The door slammed shut. As she was walking toward the house, she turned around and flipped me off. 

Remi claimed she didn't want me confessing my feelings for her in the past. She got angry when I felt the need to tell her how I felt about her. She hated the judgment, and she hated when I told her that I felt differently. But now, this was different. She really cared. She wanted to know what I was feeling, and it bit her in the ass. I felt like crap. I knew that I basically just told her, "You're not good enough. You're not the right person. You can't have me. You're wasting your time. You're pushing something too heavy for you. You're nothing but a friend to me."