but you're not a boy

two

I somehow managed to get through the rest of the phone call without saying anything stupid or rash. I really didn't say much to Remi after she confessed her feelings for me. I let her do most of the talking. I agreed with some things here and there, and before I knew it, I was off the phone doing other things to keep my mind off of what just happened.

I can't believe this is happening. I like Remi, but do I like her like that? I mean, I think she's pretty and stuff...but...I don't know.

However, my self-assigned chores only kept me busy until I had nothing to do and resorted to my bed. I began to feel overwhelmed with everything that happened. All those nights that she stayed over, did she like me then? And is that why she was always begging to come over? Oh my God. Probably. I felt so naive that I didn't see what was happening. Have I been leading her on? I had no idea she was bi.

I quickly flooded myself with so many thoughts that I was tired and slept for the night.

In the morning, I followed my same every day routine. Which, to no surprise, involved Remi.

Every morning I would pick her up at her house and go get iced coffee before school. But, when I arrived at her house the morning after the phone call, she wasn't outside waiting like she normally would have been. I decided to go to the door, which made me more nervous than being in a car with a girl that likes me. Her mom answered and was surprised to see me. She explained that Remi was sick and couldn't go to school today.

"I'm surprised she didn't call you or something. You can come in and say hi if you want."

"Oh, no, that's fine. I have to get to school early anyway. Thank you."

I left as quickly as possible. Remi is never sick. She wouldn't miss school and not tell me. I have never felt so embarrassed in my life.

-

Later that night, I get a text from Remi that says, "Dude, totally sorry 4 today. low key didn't want to make things awkward"

Really? Because things were already awkward.

"It's okay, Rem. I get it."

"Don't b mad bro"

"I'm not mad. I'm just confused."

"why would u b confused. i'm not asking 4 u to like me back"

"I'm not...it's just...Whatever idk how to put it."

...No response. Typical. I don't know why I was so upset and confused. Remi was right, she wasn't asking for me to explain my feelings or anything. She's just an open book for me to read and not reply to in any way.

The next day was quite different. It was almost as if she had forgotten the whole thing. I picked her up, we got coffee, and walked into school. She was late to chemistry, like always. For some reason she always liked to smoke before that class, but that day I think she did more than that because didn't show up until the very end. She was written up for a Saturday school.

After school, we got back into the car, got more iced coffee, and I took her home. We sat in her driveway for at least five minutes before she unbuckled her seatbelt, and collapsed into her own lap. She wasn't crying. Remi doesn't cry. She was just absorbing her own energy. I began to think the Saturday school thing really got to her until she finally went back to sitting normally and said, "I like you. I want you. But I'm not about to make you uncomfortable and confused. You like dudes. You always have. Don't be confused, dude."

Her eyes were foggy with tears. She looked straight ahead, never making eye-contact. I could tell she wanted to cry, but I knew she wouldn't be caught dead crying in front of me. She was too tough for that.

I looked at her for what seemed an eternity before saying, "It's not that I don't like you. I do. But I don't know if I really like you like that. I think the world of you, Rem. I don't want to brush this crush thing off like it's nothing because it obviously means something to you, or you wouldn't have brought it up."

"It's not a crush." Her tone became hard. She looked down into her lap and started shaking her head. "This was a mistake."

"It's not a mistake. We just need to talk about it a little more so we're on the same page."

She started getting out of the car, and I could feel myself sinking into the seat. "What, you gonna turn gay for me hon?"

Once the door was shut, I immediately wanted to cry. But I didn't. I felt so much frustration and some anger. I let my thoughts roam free, and before I realized what I was thinking, the word maybe slipped out of my mouth.