Nymphet bible

A flower without rain

Trigger warning ⚠️ !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Note: if I were you I wouldn't bother reading this it's just manic ramble.

Yesterday

12:47pm
everything moves in slow motion, Making me wonder why it moves at all. Just to go nowhere.
The particles of sloth and silence feed and nip at me like rabid flies on a dead carcass. There is no escape and I know that. after months in the hospital after medications. maybe I'm just broken. Genetically glitched or something. All the voices don't make it better. by voice I mean my parents and family always asking prying yelling lecturing. Sometimes I feel I just can't bare it. That I will evaporate into pixie dust and butterflies and fall down into nothing dissolving like on the ground. My dogs crying someone's yelling what am I doing wrong now.
I can't breathe all of the sudden my lungs are enclosed but I think confinement and alone  one could possibly ease me.

1:00
I rush into the bathroom in this one bedroom cottage. Grabbing my suitcase makeup and everything I need. I close and lock the door. And turn on the shower....

1:10pm
My life is painted in gray I'm used to that
but I know to be worried when things go black
but oh by then it's too late.

1:45pm

I sit under the warm water as it waterfalls against my face and amongst tears. I look to the counter. and the sharp nail file laying on it. after that it's like I was watching a movie. like I was watching myself grab the file and break it in half. Not like I did it. Like someone else like
SOMETHING else inside me. Something dragged the sharp end against the keloid plush landscape of my forearm. Unphased by the gushing and ripping. but me. It was just me
Who sat there bleeding. Letting it fall out of me as tears dried on my face sitting on the shower floor thinking ill let it go. I would leave me too. Go, run, flow away from this forsaken body.

2:30pm
What have I done. I stare into my sizzling flesh as it splits. I hate myself. For a moment I feel ecstasy as stress leaves my body. Then regret has sunken in. My heart beat is calming down from all the pain. I place my finger on the wound and rub and my heart becomes heavy.
I dry off. Throw on a t-shirt then look at my arm. This is not gonna work

3:00pm
In my long sleeve shirt. I sit down in a chair that I dragged into the bathroom. Sit down and stare at myself in the mirror. Dead honey brown eyed. I curl my hair as a name pops up on my phone. My eyes glow a little and I respond, this handsome stranger makes me feel coveted.
such a sweet nothing it 'twas
Such a sweet lie it twas

4:00 pm
I'm in slow motion, I've finally finished curling my hair. a flailing attempt to beautiful. But I know I'm horrid but I don't tell anyone I feel horrid because studies say that makes you seem more horrid to people. There's no escape to my loop of thoughts. and still I am not enough.

7:00 pm
I curled up in the bed a couple hours ago. After eating a piece of bread. I am cradled in a fetal position like a seashell at the ocean floor. Drowning in its habitat. I suck my thumb and start to read Wattpad. Thinking maybe I can get lost in someonelse worlds.

12:00am

It's midnight. I read all these stories about sweet girls with daddy's and love. tears ache inside my eyes and my tummy rumbles with sadness. I hate hope. because when it's taken away it's worse than when you had it before. So I try to keep myself realistic. to make myself understand that I will never find a dom. to imprint this phrase in my head over and over again
Boys like them don't like girls like you
Boys like him
Don't like
Girls like
YOU!!!

I fall asleep to this lullaby.
-
Today

11:00am

I finally get off my ass. and decide to do my job. Today I am babysitting. I jump up outta my seat. the kids eyes lighting up.
" come on guys let's build a fort and color" I yelp. They yell in excitement and I smile.
We play for a long time and I try to forget who I am and what I'm feeling. I text this man and attempt to kill the hope rising in my throat. because I'm smiling today and history tells only hope can do that to someone.

1:00pm
My aunt is taking me to the movies today. and I've fallen into little space even though I've hid it well. I go put on my long sleeve pink shirt. do PWETTY makeup and fix up my curls. he wants to see what I look like and I feel a little less disgusting than usual.naive girl. I reveal myself evening knowing what this means...
Because sweet nothings are a lot less sweet when their full of lies.

3:00pm

The kids I'm babysitting wanted to play outside. as much as I loathed the sun and it loathed me. I wanted them to have a good time. So my dog and the kids and I went outside and ran around and I told them all about puppies and how if you listen close enough you can hear them whisper. It was so adorable. The cottage I'm staying in is surrounded my so many trees and streets so I let them run with the puppy. I sit on the curb under a oak tree sun peeking through. His names pops up on my phone
Unfortunately your not what I pictured, and I think this should end here....

3:15pm
Fuck
I knew it
Stupid stupid stupid stupid
you fat pig of course
What were you thinking

" okay" and oddly at this moment it begins to rain. The kids come back and ask me what's wrong and I feel like my voice is stuck in my stomach. The sky must be falling because there's so much weight on my shoulders.
I give the kids a shy smile to let them know I'm okay. I fall into little space even more and tears fall. I dry them.
" HEY GUYS WANNA RACE" I say trying to cheer up a little.
They definitely love the idea. READY.SET.GO. and I'm off my bouncy girls flying in the wind and I feel free for a moments breath.
Running in the rain.

I'm a flower without rain, and that's how it will always be. This is the last rain I'll ever get. and for now I will have to learn to water myself