Dear Best Friend,
Do you remember our red table in kindergarten?
Purposely coloring the animals random colors for the best reaction.
Do you remember hitting first grade and grasping the sides of the slide to slow down?
So you still feel the burns on our hands?
Do you remember drawing imaginary creatures in each other's notebooks.
I still have mine.
Do you remember second grade when coloring sheets turned into homework?
Do you remember cheating off me since you were up all night listening to your mom yell?
Do you remember the third grade multiplication fact ice cream charts?
Do you remember crying when you didn't pass sevens?
I do
Do you remember fourth grade?
It seems like a distant memory for me. Maybe that was when the drugs started.
Do you remember fifth grade social studies with Mrs. Pickett?
She always made fun of you and I always made sure I didn't something worse as a distraction
Do you remember sixth grade?
That was the best year.
Do you remember cheating at uno and admitting to it soon after?
You were an awful liar
Do you remember our Chicago trip and getting kicked out of the aquarium?
I do. I wish I still had my camera.
Do you remember seventh grade when the world turned black?
The spark in your smile started to dull.
I'm so sorry for not taking you seriously.
I remember every detail.
Every detail form my worst year
Eighth grade.
I think it's the worst because I lost my best friend.
I lived in a world where books protected me from reality and it made me distant from even you.
I didn't know you were getting bad.
If you want the truth I didn't understand what bad was.
I know know, Tony.
I know how you felt.
I know the pain in my lungs when someone calls you their best friend.
They didn't know your favorite color was red and black
Or your middle name was Shane.
They didn't know what the smiley face in the slide at the park was our "happy place"
Nobody understood me like you did.
I'm so sorry for taking it for granted.
I remember everything
I didn't like self harm
When I opened the picture and seen your arm
I pictured a meat grinder.
I was so mad.
I knew if I babied you it would happen again
So I hung up.
I thought you'd get help Tony.
I remember walking into school the next day.
The eerie feeling still makes my stomach turn
I've never had six hundred pairs of eyes on me at once until I walked through the gym to my girly best friend.
I started talked and she told me to stop.
I told you to stop joking
It wasn't funny
I begged for it to be a joke
It wasn't a joke
He's dead still echoes in my head.
I remember running to the bathroom and looking at the mirror
How could I be alive
How could you be dead.
I remember falling to the floor and just crying.
We were supposed to walking to high school together.
We were gonna rent an apartment in college and eat ice cream for dinner on our first night
Tony I never understood what depression was.
I never understood the powerlessness of losing yourself felt like until that moment in the bathroom.
In that moment I realized it didn't matter if I was dead or alive.
In that moment I wanted to die.
Sadly it wouldn't be the last.
It a been three years Tony and I'm finding it harder to live.
Showering is an accomplishment and self harm is a necessity
I just want to feel your hug one more time and hear your voice say it's going to be okay
Because I'm losing hope for the future.
I'm losing any faith in myself.
I love you big bad hardcore wicked kitten,
Your Best Friend.
