Dear Ethan,
I've been trying to form the words
That circle my mind on the daily
Your laugh Runs through my head like echos
I still feel your side hug suffocating me in the most comforting way
I still pick up rocks I knew you'd put on your window
I still put mine in the same place
No order. Scattered. Unorganized
Just like you.
I remember when I knew you were getting bad
You had so much light, Sunshine, yet you couldn't escape the void Beneath your feet.
And I get it
I fucking get it.
I want to go back.
I want to go back to pool days and pizza rolls
I want to go back to sneaking black nail polish
I want to go back to school dances and your lame ass excuses for why you don't dance.
I want to go back to our garage sessions and vodka filled gaming nights.
I want you back bub and nothing is going to bring you here.
When you died
a part of me died
And I knew when the buzzing stopped
You were gone
Silence can be so loud
I wondered why it wasn't me
Because you made me promise
Not to let go
Not to forget about you
Not to let my brain win
And yet I'm the one living the nightmare of what would've been me.
I'm stuck filling the holes you left
Because bub if I learned anything from your death
It's how to deal with the pain
Because the truth is nobody will replace you
You are irreplaceable
You are a main character in my story
And I'm having to continue writing the book we started together
I feel blank Without your colorful word filling the pages
And somedays are better than others
My storyline hasn't made much sense
But I'm trying
And I'm fighting
Because even though you didn't have the power
I'm fighting for both of us now.
I don't have a choice
I can't do it to the girls.
Not again.
Not after you.
So I'm here
Just trying to see color in a colorless world.
Just know I still think about you
It's hard not to
You were my childhood
Between our midnight trampoline seshes
And inhaling crab straight from the package,
I feel like we made the best
Out of what we were handed
I accept you're gone
But I'm paying the price everyday for it
And yes, I'm being selfish
But you promised
You were the only person not to break your promises
And I forgive you
But I wish you would've called me
Because now?
All I see is black and gray
And color is just in reach
But I have no energy to fight anymore
I'm so tired bub
I miss you.
Love,
Your suicide Sibling
