"Going out and not coming back till sunrise is one thing! But going somewhere without telling us and leaving us worried sick is another Kaelynn!" yelled Kacey at her older sister.
"I know and I'm sorry about that okay? I don't know- I just felt like I needed to go see him" Kaelynn- I said from my seat on the bed as I looked at my fiddling thumbs. I fiddled my thumbs when I would get yelled at as a child, a habit that carried on with me till this day. I felt guilty for pulling something like that.
"Disappointed, but not surprised ?". Those words left my mouth, knowing that that's exactly what my sister was thinking.
My face was blank, I didn't know what emotion to display. Happiness? I did just see my brother who was very much a ghost yet so alive. I would be admitted into a mental hospital if I uttered a word about what happened, to anyone, so no- I can't display happiness.
Hurt? I mean I was, my brother was gone once again, and I don't know what I did back there that made him appear, for all I know it was my imagination and I was going crazy.
I was like a cluster ball of emotions and simply didn't know what I can do to please my sister this time.
"You can say that, yes" she murmured as a response to my previous statement, before walking out of the door and far away from me.
Part of me knew why she was so upset, but that part was locked in my brain. I knew why but it was like having a word on the tip of my tongue, just not remembering it. It's there, locked in a box that I can't seem to find the key to.
The other part of me didn't understand why she was so upset, even after I apologized. I get the ditching part, and that it had her worried; but I'm okay. I'm alive.
"Hey Kaelynn! Come check this out!", yelled Lena from the living room.
"Coming!" I yelled back. I stood up and began jogging my way down stairs. Everyone was assembled in front of the TV, with eyes wide open and ear focused on what they were hearing. It was me. A picture of me, and soon it switched to a video of me, from last night.
"Kaelynn.." Nanny J began with a pitiful whisper.
The video was of me, kneeled in front of my brother's grave as I cried my eyes out. It showed everything excluding the talking to my brother part. My breakdown, me smashing the bottle of alcohol on a tree.
It showed me, in pain.
I didn't know what to do. I stood there frozen, my brain nor my body knew what to do. I was sure I held a blank face like always.
"Hey... it's going to be okay", Becky said quietly as she took one step closer to me, her body language showing her emotion more than her facial expression. She was hesitant, as if the girl on TV will reappear.
I took a step back, taking a look at all of them.
"I don't want that" I said very sternly.
"Don't want what?" Asked Froy.
"I don't want this! The looks you're giving me. I don't want the pity" I finished off before storming off and to my room.
I was pissed, and hurt. No one could have taken the video except for someone as sneaky and professional as a pap. I wanted that video down, and I wanted to personally meet who took it, so I can give them a hell piece of my mind.
"Kaelynn?". I ignored Kacey as she knocked lightly at my door. I was sat right behind it, my head resting on the wooden door.
"Kaelynn please open the door". I continued to ignore her as the tears began to sting the back of my eyes, begging to be let out. But that wasn't going to happen, I didn't want them to, because if they did then I feel relief, but I wanted to feel the pain for a moment.
I heard Kacey slide down the door, and her back rest right behind mine. There was something between us but I could still feel her, listen to her shaky breaths.
"You know when we lost Sean, I knew you were devastated... I could see it everyday in your eyes". She let out a big breath, her head leaning back onto the door like mine.
"I watched your whole world fall apart. And the worst part was that I wasn't able to do a thing about it. I watched you fall apart...". Her voice was just above a whisper, loud enough that I can hear her through the barrier that I kept between us.
"I knew that I could never replace him- that I can never get as close to you as he was, no matter what". I heard the pain in her voice. I felt it; it was enough to trigger the tears in my eyes to fall out.
"I was starting to think that you were okay- well, as okay as you can be. Our normal changed Kaelynn. It changed after mom and dad died, it-it changed after Sean died, and after Stacey died... after Delie entered our life". I bit my lower lip and stifled a sob that was threatening to escape. I listened to her breathing once again, listened to her sniffle as the tears made their way down her face.
"This world has taken so much from us already, Kaelynn", she spoke quietly.
"I'm starting to think it's taking you away from me too", this time it wasn't her breathing I listened to, it was the soft sobs that escaped her lips.
"Please don't let it take my sister away from me too" she whispered again. I stood up and unlocked the door, opening it to face her. She stood up, her face red and stained from the tears. I guessed mine looked exactly the same.
"I'm sorry" I whispered. She ran into me, hugging me tightly as she cried quietly. I froze for a second before lifting my arms up. And wrapping it around her; tears spilling out of my own eyes.
It was that moment. That was the key to the box.
I was so engrossed in my own pain, that I forgot that it wasn't just me who lost mom and dad. It wasn't just me who lost Sean, and it wasn't just me who lost Stacey. Kacey lost them too.
I was so engrossed in my own pain that I didn't realize that Kacey was in pain too. I did all of what I did for them, I earned the money to give them a better life, but I didn't realize that what they needed was me. Not the money.
And for them I wanted to be a better sister and aunt, a better friend. Learn to have some fun and forget a little, bit let the world take from me more than it already has. But I was going to do that later.
Right after I take down that son of a bitch.
"How about we wash our faces and head out to the mall. I know I was there yesterday, but there's never enough shopping" I said, a small, but real smile on my face, my left eyebrow lifted a bit. She chuckled at my face and wiped her tears away.
"Yeah, I'd like that. We can take Delie with us? Go out just the three of us?"
"That would be great. Now come on, we probably look like shit, and we can not go out like this".She smiled one last time, before heading to her own room.
