Letters To You

Entry 1:

"Say cheese!"

"Fug you." I half choked-half laughed as Luke took a picture of me eating a burger.

His grin beamed back at me like a ray of sunshine on the brightest day. "You know you love me."

I wiped my lips clean with a roll of my eyes, but couldn't help thinking, yeah I do. "I don't get why you think a girl getting a quarter pounder is so crazy, it's like illegal in your mind."

"No, no, no. You have it all wrong grasshopper, I love that you got it, it's just so funny watching you try to devour that thing, I had to get a pic." Luke defended himself with a shrug and smirk that morphed into a brilliant smile.

And there it goes.

That was all my heart needed to get thumping faster than a techno song. My breath literally caught in my throat and my stomach became home to millions of butterflies. All I needed to be breathless was that smile of his, or his eyes. They practically gleamed like precious gems when he laughed. The ocean could never compare to the blue of his eyes in my thoughts.

I tried to physically shake the blush off my cheeks. "How is it in most arguments I look like the crazy one?" I questioned the ceiling.

He shook his head with a chuckle before reaching across the table to cup my cheek. When I met his eyes I instantly took a dip and was lost.

"You're not crazy just not as right all the time like me." He said so sincerely I almost took him seriously.

"Ugh," I slapped his hand away with a laugh. "Shut up and eat." I tossed a fry at him for good measure.

I was about to grab another fry off my plate when he said, "I love you."

I love it when he says that.

I dipped a lone fry in ketchup and peered through my loose curls at my boyfriend of five months, before looking back to my plate with a secretive smile.

"I love you too."

~•~•~•~

Dear Luke,

I don't really know where to start... I don't even know why I'm doing this. It's stupid. But Lana's right, I need an outlet. Something that grabs me long enough to pull me back to reality, if only for a few seconds.

Lately, it feels like I'm drifting, fading, but what's to be expected? Without you my world has dwindled so far that all my life consists of is curling up on the couch in your sweatshirt. You know, the DC jacket you loved so much? Sometimes I can go hours without so much as moving. I just sit, bundled up in your favorite sweatshirt that still somehow manages to smell of you.

Sometimes I go for walks, but I'm always being forced out the door by someone. My apatite is always at a zero, on the best of days I grab an apple on my way to shut myself away.

I know, not much of a life.

Everyone worries too. I hate it. You know better than anyone that I hate to be hovered over and talked about. I like being part of a discussion, not the discussion. And I'm not just paranoid either, I know they talk about me - I've heard them. I swear it drives me to the brink at times.

But I know they mean well, I just wish that could lay off sometimes or find new tactics of helping me. It's not like I want to be like this either, but I can't seem to snap out of it.

Sometimes I get glimpses of reality though. Okay, that sounds weird. What I mean is... I feel so hazy, all the time. The doctor says it's the depression and the medication, which is ironic since the medicine is supposed to help clear the haze.

But anyway, I get these moments where it's almost clear. For only a few moments I take a breath without feeling like a twenty pound wait is dragging my chest down. I can't even remember how I started to harbor this immense weight that I lug around. Was it placed after you left, by yourself or did I so I was physically weighted to the Earth, maybe it slowly morphed? I don't know anymore honestly, I just know I miss you more than a dying man of dehydration, longs for a sip of ice cold water.

Seasons have gone by, I think spring was the hardest, not just because everybody was so cheerful and alive but that it was your favorite. I can't recall all the times we would sit in fields with the newly budding flowers and baby grass. How many times you would sit under a tree and read while I danced to music and made chains out of bloomed flowers.

Do you remember the crown of daisies I made you? You looked so silly and beautiful with a circle of white pedaled flowers. You always kept them too, the sweetheart that you were. Pressing them in the pages of your books, saving them for another time. I have them you know? I nearly balled my eyes out for days flipping through the pages. I couldn't remember every moment that went with each crown, I know you would though, it's the kind of person you were.

You were always there to hold me, lend a good hug, kiss my nervousness away. You never managed to make me cry before a few months ago, I never shed a tear over you. I could rely on you for everything Luke.

You were my hero, my savior, my everything. I spent three years of my existence submersed in you, how do you get over that? I miss you, more than the stars miss the night, more than the wolf longs for the full moon. And I love you more than anyone could imagine, our love was intense, wild, deep.

I miss you... I love you, Luke.

•~•~•

New story! It's going to be a bit different but I hope you like it. Short for the first chapter but whatever.