I know, we're just friends
I know, we're practically family
But why are you holding my hand, baby
Making me confused
(Jiwon)
-We are just like toddlers, aren't we?
It was the last words I heard of Jinan hyung's voice from the front, before I turned to my right to gaze countryside's view.
I had always loved the countryside and how quiet it was. I love how refreshing I felt. I love that I was spared of the peace of mind that the city life has none to offer.
But in that moment, I was particularly immersed in my right view.
Because I didn't want to turn left. Truthfully, I didn't.
I knew he was there. By my side. Walking side-by-side with me.
We were so close. I could almost feel warmth radiating from his body.
I wished I could snuggle closer. I wished he would snuggle closer.
But he wouldn't, and we couldn't . I just knew.
-Bobby hyung. - I finally heard my name from whose voice I was daydreaming of.
My heart instantly raced twice its normal pace as my fingers started to tingle the moment those of his intertwined in between mine.
I couldn't help but turn left.
I regretted it immediately. What if the look in my eyes gave away the secret my heart had been trying to hide?
Yet I couldn't lie, I also secretly loved it. I loved it that I could see his face. The lovely face of the person I love the most.
He seemed shy. He looked so perfect being shy, I wondered if he had any idea. I wondered if he intentionally looked so shy in front of me because he wanted to see me stammer with my own words. I thought back to all the times I had stuttered at the sight of him, and wondered if he had noticed how bad of a liar I was when I blamed it on my poor Korean vocabulary.
He scratched his head and messed up his hair in the way I hated the most. It made him seem too pure and precious and fragile for this one hell of a world. He gazed at me the way one would gaze stars, I didn't know what to make out of such look and I didn't know if I had yet again fooled myself, when he finally broke the silent walk we were sharing,
-Jinan hyung told us to walk in pairs and hold hands. You don't mind us holding hands, do you?
"No, I don't," my head was screaming, yet I could only give him a toothy grin, "of course I don't."
Why did he bother asking? It's not like we had never held hands before.
We held hands a lot. Whenever we happened to sit next to each other before a concert, we silently mumbled our prayers, and we held hands. Whenever he felt anxious and searched for my eyes, I came to his side, and we held hands. Whenever we high-fived to cheer on a victory, his hand would linger on mine a little longer than it should have, I had nothing to complain, and we held hands.
That was just how we were. We held hands. All the time. Because. Simply because.
And there he was, asking me innocently if I was okay with us holding hands. He should have asked me the first time, or the second time, or the third time. Maybe then I could have changed a thing or two. But now, what else could I give for an answer except a helpless and willing 'yes'?
-Oh god I hate it. I really hate it. Why should we be holding hands? - I exclaimed loudly as I was expected to, while still holding on tightly to his hand.
His eyes glistened with amusement, and dared I say, affection, when he kept looking my way as though there was no intention of diverting his gaze. That look soothed me and gave me chills, all at once.
Sometimes I hated it so much that he messed with my mind like he knew what was going on inside it.
Other times I hated myself for pretending to resist his touch and not being able to hold on to the act until the end. I always gave in midway. I always returned his favour. I always looked a little too happy when he was around.
Why did I feel this way, in the first place?
Why was I tightening my hand on his when everyone else was starting to let go?
Why wasn't he stopping me? Why did he never stop me?
Why did everyone else try to stop me when Hanbin himself had no problem with us holding hands?
I only knew the answer to the last question: Because we were considered family to each other.
And family wasn't supposed to have butterflies in their stomach just by holding hands.
But I did. I did so bad.
Butterflies were all over the place. On the fields and in my head.
I was over the moon and I was traumatized. I wished I were numbed of feelings and then I wished I weren't.
"It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."
May love break me and may love mend my broken pieces.
Until then, until I found a way, I must keep it all a little secret.
And that was why I finally pulled my hand away.
Once again, he gave me the look. As though he knew.
As though he knew how painful it was for me, to let go of something I wished I could hold onto for the rest of time, over and over again.
__________
A/N: I am finally back again with another English shortfic for our beloved Jiwon and Hanbin, people! I found inspiration just yesterday and I stayed up until 3 am for this first draft. If you find any error, please kindly comment so that I can fix it. If you reach until this line, thank you very much for giving this a shot, and let me know what you think. x
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Fanfiction"It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." Like a mayfly, I bumped into you, over and over again, knowing that love would burn me out. I couldn't have asked for more, you were the only light in my eyes. (inspired by Bobby...
