Whether this is a fish tank or an ocean, I don't care
I'm in your arms and if this goes forever
Even if I'm the second to your first
If you can light a fire in my heart that has cooled
(Jiwon)
I had, too many a time, asked myself whether I should find a way out of this. Whether I should save myself from those unnecessary and mushy feelings that boys never talk about, let alone think about each other. Whether I should simply confront the very familiar face whose features I could imagine vividly without cracking my eyes open, and say outright that I wanted to draw clearer boundaries between the two of us.
The answer should have been so simple, so obvious, yes, and that's it. But. There was always a but.
But I couldn't go ahead and lie to myself without blinking, that I didn't love the way I could casually wrap my arm around his shoulders out of blue, because we were great friends. And I couldn't hide how happy I was when I noticed that his shoulders would immediately relax into my embrace, because we were just a tad bit greater than great friends. There was no good reason to deny that I treasured every tiny little thing we could do for one another as great great friends, yet at the back of my mind, I was always aware that certain things, such as a longing look and a lingering touch, couldn't be simply justified under the name of friendship. One moment I wished he would stop stepping back and forth at the boundaries we were supposed to have, and the next I wished there weren't any boundaries to begin with at all. I wanted to say something so badly, yet I didn't know how words could ever explain the way I feel.
Why was I being so indecisive, you may say. Why was I no longer the crazy beast who risked his whole youth to gain the opportunity to stand on stage, who rapped his heart out as though every performance was the last, you may ask. No, I was still the same daring person in the pursuit of my passion, but Hanbin just happened to be a completely different case. He was too pure and too fragile that I couldn't risk losing him. Knowing that one wrong word slipped from me could bet all that we were and all that we could ever be together on nothing, I made a promise to myself to forever hold my peace, and bury all my broken pieces behind the constant smile on my lips, just so that his shall forever shine, far more dazzling than the morning sky.
I would never have considered going back on that promise, until one day, he simply called my name in the same soft tone of every other day, making all hells suddenly break loose.
-Who is your ideal type?
-Kim Jiwon...
I was half dozing off and trying to fight back my drowsiness in yet another TV show recording of the day when I heard him and his gentle soothing voice. The voice which I found the most endearing was declaring something I could never imagine hearing even in my wildest dream.
I almost jumped out of my seat in surprise. What?
-... I like watching her drama a lot, especially "Fight for my way"!
Oh?
Oh.
Of course.
But hey, ouch.
The rest of the talkshow kind of went straight over my head. I had no other recollection of it, whatsoever, and I was sure that it wasn't merely because I was sleepy.
I was just... uncomfortable. Of course his answer was perfect in the show business perspective. He mentioned an up-and-coming, talented and gorgeous actress and expressed his admiration just like any other young man in his twenties would. His adorable fanboy side would make him more relatable and genuine in front of the press and improve his public image, which was a good thing for him and the rest of the group. I would have totally been proud of him for dealing so well with personal questions any other day, but of all the possible TV personalities he could have mentioned, why did he have to choose one whose name was exactly like mine? Did he have to startle me that way? Was it yet another a coincidence, or had it all been part of his plan?
Why wouldn't I just ask him, you must be wondering. But how was I supposed to ask if he had thought of me, even just for a split second, when he said her name? Would he think of me as a freak or would he just give me a very sorry look in the eyes?
I needed neither of those things, thank you very much. I might be foolish, but I was prideful. At least prideful enough not to yet again make that much of a fool out of myself.
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TENDAE
Fanfiction"It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." Like a mayfly, I bumped into you, over and over again, knowing that love would burn me out. I couldn't have asked for more, you were the only light in my eyes. (inspired by Bobby...
