I know there's no such thing as fair play between (you and me)
The weight of our hearts is different, on the love scale
I'm a hunter who catches foxes but you're a bear
Before I knew it, you're eating me up
(Jiwon)
-How many girlfriends have you guys had?
-I have none. - he said, sheepishly, eyes staring at his feet.
-Four. - I answered shortly, and flashed the camera a playful smile.
It happened so many times, that I stopped keeping counts, and forgot to feel upset at those kinds of questions. To the world, it was always him, a young guy with a fierce look in his eyes yet a childlike smile on his lips, watching melodramas and writing love songs from imagination rather than experience. And it was always me, the playboy with flirty eyes and a cheeky smirk, who could make the whole crowd fall in love with him at first sight.
And to a certain extent, that might be true. But he never belonged to the crowd that would drool over me ever so easily. And in his imagination, I was never there. I dared not wish I were. Reality was but a painful play.
-Hyung, will you get a girlfriend after the five-year restriction? - he asked once when our first song had just come out a few days.
-Maybe? - I replied, but it came out more as a question. I looked over my shoulders and tried to catch his eyes - Why would you ask?
-Would you teach me how to impress a girl? I also want to experience the kind of love I have been writing all nights long.
I tightened my lips into a thin smile, secretly hoping he wouldn't notice how shaky and uncertain I felt. Ruffling the top of his head like I always did, I pulled him under my arms protectively and brotherly and mumbled into his hair,
-Of course, I would. You needn't ask.
And I genuinely meant it. He needn't ask. Because whatever the question was, the answer was always yes. I never got the chance to think clearly on my feet in front of him or his twinkling eyes; and supposed that I did, I could never stand myself disappointing him. Call me a fool, because at least that was one of the last few things left that were ours: being complete fools, together, once upon a time.
-I first fell in love at the age of nineteen. - he responded to an interview for the local magazine during our promotion.
Hanbin, at the age of nineteen, was the closest to me. Yet not once had he ever told me that he was in love.
I couldn't believe in my ears when I heard those exact words coming from him. I was perplexed, I was dumbfounded and I was somewhat betrayed.
Who could it be, when we used to spend every minute and every second side by side? How could he not have told me, when he wouldn't even hesitate to casually curse and tell me that he needed a break from life?
Or was it all plainly an answer for the sake of giving an answer for the readers?
Was it okay for me to get all these confusion off my chest?
Or was I being a bit too nosy while I was, in fact, in no place to ask about his feelings?
More importantly, why did it matter so much to me?
I couldn't ask. Nor did I think Hanbin would have a straightforward answer to any of my questions. And so I held my peace, hoping that this too shall pass, as I would eventually stop getting irritated by the girl Hanbin had fantasized years ago.
To think that a girl whom I had never laid my eyes on could have that much power over me drove me even crazier.
Or maybe, just maybe, if I was being completely honest with myself, it was never about the identity of the mystery girl. A name, a face or a short description about the girl of his dream simply wouldn't help at all. What mattered was that Hanbin fell in love, and I unfortunately had nothing to do with it.
Why would I want to have anything to do with it anyways?
-Hyung, what's wrong?
-Nothing.
-Was the interview too long? Did you have enough to eat for breakfast?
-Why?
-You look a little pale today.
-Do I?
-You definitely are. You spoke even less than you usually do in other interviews. Now come on, take care of yourself, you need to be strong.
-You don't have to worry so much about me.
-Of course I do. You are my closest brother, and my leaning shoulders, remember? Of course I care about you, you know I care a lot about you.
If only he were aware of the power of his words, of how the things he told me could put my broken pieces together and make me fall apart, all at once. Before I could resist, he got me wrapped around his figure. He didn't even know it himself, and he didn't seem to care. Yet all he needed to do was to itch an inch, and I would be all over the place, just to see his guileless smile.
"I care a lot about you too."
My heart was screaming at me for being such a coward, forcing me to let him know how much I did care as well. Yet somehow, those simple words got frozen on the tip of my tongue just as they were to roll off. Maybe it was because we meant different things when it came to the word "care". Maybe it was because I was not ready to see his reaction when he finally found out what I truly meant. All I could do in the moment was to give him a toothy smile, just so that he wouldn't be able to find my eyes, and I wouldn't be caught red-handed with all the messy thoughts I had yet to sort out on my own, let alone explaining them to anyone else.
May those unspoken words be forever left unspoken. Because there sure would come a day, I pathetically hoped, when those words needn't be said at all.
_____
A/N: Hey guys, I'm back after quite a while. Sorry I couldn't update regularly, because inspiration doesn't come to all of us ever so easily. Again, let me know your thoughts, and give me a star if you like it!
P/S: Guys, go show some support for our boys and watch Goodbye Road on youtube! It is truly heartbreaking in the most beautiful way possible!
https://youtu.be/2O6dRaBbFoo
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Fanfiction"It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." Like a mayfly, I bumped into you, over and over again, knowing that love would burn me out. I couldn't have asked for more, you were the only light in my eyes. (inspired by Bobby...
