Just Friends

Chapter 2

Eskild was having some guy over, so I slipped discretely into my room and shut the door. I undressed and threw myself under the covers. Even's jacket was lying on the floor – I had to remember to return it to him later – but right now I didn't want to do anything. I was thinking about the conversation we'd had about him and Sonja. He'd said he didn't want to fuck it up again. What was that supposed to mean? That he loved her again all of a sudden? He hadn't seemed very in love last spring.

I knew I had to stop thinking about him, that it would only keep on getting worse, but there were few things worse in the world than thinking of Even and Sonja together. Maybe that meant I was gay. I didn't know if I was ready to come to terms with my sexuality, and it seemed that without Even, I didn't have to do that right away. Which was somewhat nice.

Next day at school, I was feeling irritable because I had caught a cold the day before, I hadn't slept much and that the guys wouldn't stop discussing which first year was the hottest. So I left for biology. When I arrived, I sat down beside Sana, who was chatting on Facebook, and she nodded at me as to say 'hi'. I tried concentrating all the way through class, but my mind was wandering off every other minute, and I felt sick. I ended up learning nothing that day. As soon as the bell rang, I was ready to leave the room, but Sana grabbed my arm firmly. "What's going on with you?" she asked in a way that seemed threatening, but probably wasn't meant to be. "Nothing, just a bit sick," I replied because I didn't feel like explaining the entire situation to her. Let alone the fact that I might be gay. Didn't seem like a comment I could just drop casually and leave. She rolled her eyes. "Fine, if you didn't want to talk, you could've just said so." She then left. I sighed. It was rarely easy with Sana – unless you told her the truth, but I wasn't sure if I was ready to do that. Not today anyway, and I hurried off the school grounds.

Later, lying on my bed, I received a text from Even.

E: Hey, do you still have my jacket?

I: Yeah.

E: I'll be needing it. You at home?

I wanted to tell him no, but I didn't want to make up a whole story. It would need a whole lot of explaining if he found out, I was lying to avoid him.

I: Sick in bed. Door is unlocked so just come in.

I got out of bed to hang the jacket on the back of a chair, so it wouldn't be lying carelessly thrown on the floor. Then I lay down again. I was sweating now, and my skin felt as if it were on fire. A minute later I heard the front door open, and Even's voice called: "Isak?"

"In here," I tried to raise my voice, but it came out sounding more like a powerless whimper. The door opened, and Even popped his head in. "Hey," he said. I didn't answer, just nodded and made a weak gesture towards the chair. "There's your jacket." But instead of just taking it and leaving, he crossed the room and sat down on the bedside. He placed the palm of his hand on my forehead.

"Shit, you're burning," he said, but I felt cold all of a sudden as if his hands and voice were sending chills through my body. "I'll get you some water," he decided and stood up, leaving the room and returning seconds later with a glass of water and a damp piece of cloth. He started dabbing my face, and though it felt relieving, I was freaking out.

I pushed his hand away. "I don't need you to take care of me," I told him without looking at his expression. There was silence. "But I want to," he said quietly, and I turned to look him in the eye. He was awfully close. It made me nervous and excited, but mostly it made me panic. My breathing was becoming shallow, and he was moving closer, but none of that could explain the words that came out of my mouth:

"Well, I don't want you to. I want you to leave." Even froze, and his eyes darted around my face searching for an explanation. If there was one, I certainly didn't know it. I didn't even recognize myself anymore. "What the fuck is going on with you?!" he had raised his voice, and was angry all of a sudden. I swallowed the knot in my throat. "Just leave," I said weakly because there was no way I could make things worse. Except there was, for the moment he left I felt instantly worse.