Just Friends

Chapter 3

The next few days, Even was nowhere to be seen. I didn't call him because I didn't want him to think I was desperate, though I was starting to worry. Instead, I approached Sonja after class in the hallway.

"Hey, Sonja," I said, hoping she didn't hate me after last spring, "Why isn't Even at school?" She looked at me as if she were measuring me with her eyes. She didn't look too happy. "He's at home." There was a pause, then she continued: "He's entered a state of depression – I mean – it was bound to happen at some point, but it's pretty bad this time." No, she didn't look too happy; she looked sad. I didn't know what to say. "Look," she said, "I know you guys have some stuff to figure out, but it's a tough time for Even. Couldn't you try to be friends? I know you feel awkward about him being bipolar, but could you sort it out? It's hard on him not having his friends there for him during his depression." She wanted us to be friends. I couldn't believe it; I would've thought she never wanted me to see him again after trying to break them up. I was guessing she didn't know I was gay. Or – you know – maybe-gay.

I tried calling him. No answer. I stared blankly at the screen until a voice called: "Isak!" I turned as Sana approached me, her school bag dangling loosely from one shoulder. "Hey Sana," I smiled at her. "Are you greeting me today? I'm impressed," she said sarcastically. I must've looked confused because she then laughed and grabbed my arm. "Let's get coffee."

We small talked for a while before the coffee arrived, and then she suddenly became serious. "So, care to tell me what's going on with you these days?" she asked straightforwardly. I should've known she'd be asking me about my problems. I hesitated. Sana was honest, maybe she could help me see something I wasn't able to see. On the other hand, I didn't actually know what I was feeling or thinking; I was pretty confused. So that's what I said.

"I'm confused."

She raised an eyebrow, and I continued carefully: "I'm confused, and I think I might be gay." There. I said it. Sana was looking at me in an unsettling way. "You like him don't you? That Even guy?" she asked. It always amazed me how Sana spotted everything, and I nodded while looking at the ground since there was no point in trying to hide it. "He's gay?" I wasn't sure, but he didn't act as my friend. Especially not after last spring. He acted as if he wanted something else – something more maybe. I nodded. "So what's the problem?" she was still sending me that piercing look, "You're gay – he's gay, you like him – he probably likes you." I finally looked up at her. "I don't know how to act around him anymore. He's bipolar – I know nothing about that, and what if I do something wrong? I don't know how to protect him from something in his mind," I blurted everything out. I couldn't stop. "I've never felt so helpless, and he must hate me for letting him down ever since he opened up and told me about being bipolar. I – I don't know what to do, Sana!"

"Go," she just said. I didn't understand. "Go tell him, not me," she explained, and she was right, of course. She always was. I startled her with a hug. Then I ran.