(ROSÉ x SUZY) Papilefiko

5. one individual's action eventually

Chaeyoung thought she had found the destination of happiness. No, it was more like she was so happy that there was no stopping point. She had to take many steps back, go back to the past before she could find her destination. But then, everything returned to the time before it all began, before Suzy called Rosé Chaeyoung.

Feeling lost and directionless was natural. But Chaeyoung already lost her destination. She didn't even know what her feelings were anymore. Pain, maybe, but it felt like she had lost more than that. A sense of loss. Chaeyoung was robbed of what were meant to be hers. She was on the brink of madness. This love was everything to her, but Suzy took the love for her and gave it to someone else. And so, she was left with nothing. Chaeyoung had nothing to hold on to anymore.

BLACKPINK's music career was just beginning to take shape, and Rosé's solo career had barely bloomed. After three years, the group still didn't have a full album, and the number of songs released was as small as the vocabulary of a three-year-old. Pathetically scarce. So, Chaeyoung felt like she had nothing solid in her hands.

She still followed Suzy's updates closely. Suzy was busy with one film after another, magazine shoots, brand endorsements, and campaign representations. If only Suzy could share just a little of that busyness with her. Chaeyoung thought that since Suzy had taken everything, the least she could do was give something back. But perhaps she hadn't realized that deep down, she still unconsciously wanted to share in the chaos of Suzy's life—a life without her.

Chaeyoung had all the time in the world to heal and move on from Suzy.  But having too much time only made her sink further into boredom and despair, lying on her bed, doing nothing but thinking of Suzy. People often say you shouldn't break up with someone just because you're bored. Though her situation was quite the opposite, she had never understood this advice more than now.

That day, Suzy asked, "Do you love me? Can you accept me?" That day, Chaeyoung answered, yes and no. She loved her, but she couldn't accept it. And after three years without the nourishment of love, Chaeyoung's soul was left withered. Now, her answers had flipped to no and yes.

She no longer loved her, and she had finally come to understand her, though it no longer mattered. After sleepless nights, groggy mornings in meetings, and afternoons staring aimlessly out the window, Chaeyoung finally decided to step out of the painful cycle.

It was getting dark by then, and the blinds in her room were pulled shut, casting her room into darkness. Lying there in the corner, she cried. If suddenly the voice inside her head had whispered dangerous ideas to her ears, she might have unconsciously followed it. Every way to do it flashed vividly before her eyes. For a moment, she suddenly understood, the pressure between life and death felt like this.

Chaeyoung suddenly remembered the days in Sydney, with Suzy. Riding in her Cadillac, watching her sleep at night, never imagining a day they'd be apart. Back then, she didn't understand how painful the lyric "Just one more night" from Phil Collins' One More Night could be. Now, she knew all too well. Chaeyoung cried while squeezing her eyes squeezed, yet somehow, she still saw Suzy's silhouette. She wondered if it was because she had closed her eyes so tightly that the afterimage phenomenon made the illusion clearer.

She still lay on the soft mattress, and everything that happened in her mind felt entirely new. A feeling Chaeyoung had never known. Because the hallucinations felt so real to her, she got up and wrote down the strange sensations she was feeling. This wasn't natural. Chaeyoung should have written in Korean, her mother tongue, but no, the language flowing out of her was English. Her mind didn't realize that she still wasn't being honest with herself.  She still wanted to conceal so much behind the vague shield of elusive words of English.

Hyeri sat in the living room, watching her lil sister move from sitting at the table, scribbling notes, to jumping on the bed. The cycle was so repetitive that Hyeri brewed a cup of tea, let it cool, and drank it all while Chaeyoung was still engrossed in her computer. She thought her sister invited her over so that they'd be cooking, watching movies, and talking shit  about the nation's first love to help Chaeyoung heal. But it turned out Hyeri was just playing the role of a babysitter. She cooked for Chaeyoung and then tried to put her to sleep. Hyeri knew that if Chaeyoung didn't sleep, she would cry out like a newborn. If she didn't yell "now you're dead and gone" in sorrow, she would quietly sob the sentence, "I just wanna be the one, but to you we're already done." Hyeri genuinely thought Chaeyoung's coping mechanisms had the emotional maturity of a ten-year-old.

Fed up with Chaeyoung's self-denial, Hyeri quickly texted Suzy.

"Sooji, my dear girly, you've ruined the precious Australian rose. The once-blooming rose garden has withered. Call her. Quick!"

"What's wrong? What happened to Chaeyoung?"

Her tone wasn't too worried, but a little curious. Hyeri figured her friend Suzy wasn't completely heartless. Maybe there was still hope to return the withered rose to its rightful owner. While most people steal others' girlfriends like snatching flowers from the pots, Hyeri was trying to keep this one alive to return it to its owner.

"She's been chanting the Great Compassion Mantra and Heart Sutra for weeks."

"In difficult times like these, the power of Buddhism and spirituality is definitely soothing."

"Are you fucking nuts?"

"What's wrong?"

"Park Chaeyoung is fucking Christian!? She's been in the choir, singing hymns and carols since she was eight."

"For God's sake, what the actual fuck."

Hyeri had been waiting for this moment to scold Suzy. Turns out, even the nation's first love could be this silly.

"How do you expect God to bless your love when you literally forgot her faith? Chaeyoung is turning to Buddha all because of you."

Didn't wait for Suzy to respond, Hyeri ended with two powerful punchlines.

"This Christmas, if she chants 'Sariputra, form is not different from emptiness, emptiness is not different from form' while the whole church is singing carols peacefully... I warn you, the whole Melbourne will come after you."

"From a faithful believer who always says 'Oh god,' she's now telling herself 'Amitabha Buddha.' Make up with her quickly, I'm begging you."

That same day, Chaeyoung hadn't told Hyeri she'd just come back from a mental health clinic. They'd strapped her into a machine to scan for brain abnormalities, skeptical that someone who seemed (quite) okay would suddenly turn hostile toward humanity. It must have been some brain damage. Because Chaeyoung didn't dare reveal her identity as a member of the famous K-pop group and that she'd just gone through a long, painful breakup.

The doctor told Chaeyoung that her neurotransmitter wasn't stable. He suggested a lifestyle overhaul—proper meals, restful sleep, and positive thinking. Maybe she would recover quickly. It sounded casually easy enough.

She left with a stack of documents: hotline numbers, book recommendations, stress-relief tips. But her eyes were drawn to the diagnosis: "Patient exhibits depressive symptoms, with occasional signs of hallucination."

What she didn't see was the note on the back, "Follow-up appointment in three months. If condition worsens, referral to psychiatry."

The doctor diagnosed Chaeyoung with depression. But the thing is, she had yet to share her whole story. She hadn't told them about Suzy's presence, or even absence, in her life. Wasn't the conclusion too early, when they didn't even know the cause of her depression?

It turned out, now, Chaeyoung was just a patient with psychological issues, and no longer a part of Suzy's life.