They say the strongest form of love is the love a mother feels for her child. Mothers often times say they would do anything for their child. Most of the times this means giving the kid the bigger half of the cookie or missing an event for some stupid kid thing. Seeing a happy kid, especially your happy kid, is a feeling like none else. You feel happy they are happy. You feel their emotions more intensely it seems. If they are happy you feel the joy for them and yourself. But when those emotions are anything but positive it feels like your insides are being torn out of you forcibly, either from your stomach, chest, or throat. Witnessing your child feel lonely for the first time makes you wonder if having a kid was even worth it. Was their suffering an acceptable price for your maternal wants?
I had Emily when I was twenty, Lucas three years later, and finally Anna a year and a half later. Emily was a natural leader, loud, sometimes bossy, and always put her siblings before her. Lucas was book smart, skinny, quiet and charming, he often got lost in Emily's shadow. Anna was a fairly smart girl, very independent, and harder to read than a book written in a foreign language. If she was upset, excited, angry, anything but neutral, you would never know. Unless, she explicitly told you, which rarely happened, but when it did it was very formal and sincere and I, as her mom, felt my most proud during these moments. The three of them grew up with my husband and me in a decent sized home, no one shared a room and there was a big yard. Life was normal, we had pets, broken bones, fights that would result in a child "running away" (a friend's parent would call twenty minutes after the kid left promising to feed them and return them healthy the next morning), nothing traumatic, except the day we found out Anna was allergic to peanuts. Emily was screaming, Lucas was shaking, and Anna, my little Anna, wasn't breathing. Other than that, they grew up healthy and soon they matured and left for college.
Anna was eventually the last kid left at home. She continued to be quiet and independent. It would seem, as though, in a matter of months she slowly let her emotions become more visible. I could tell when she would have a bad day, doors would slam, food wouldn't get finished, she'd wake up later and later every weekend. Slowly her good days faded into bad days. Bad days outnumbered the good, and she never told me why. I became more self conscious, was my cooking bad? Was it my fault she got teased? What was I not doing to make her happy? The problem with moms, or parents in general, is how self centered we are. I wasn't the issue and yet I was so quick to make everything about me when she wasn't happy, but in all honesty, nothing I could do could change her moods. This wasn't about me, it wasn't my fault.
After months of Anna being depressed she was barely recognizable, her skin pale, her eyes sunken in and hollow, she lost weight, she enjoyed things less. We tried medications, the side effects weren't worth it she would say and throw the bottle away.
"Mom?"
"Yes, baby?"
"Why did you have me? Lucas and Emily would've been fine, just the two of them..."
"What? What are you saying? Your father and I always imagined a family with three kids,"
"I think if I could've had a say, before I was born, I would've asked to not have been."
"What?" My panic apparent in my voice.
"I don't want to be alive." At these words, this six word sentence, my ears started to ring, my heart dropped into my stomach, my mouth went dry, I was at a loss for words. Anna could tell, she walked out of the room and quietly shut the door. The voice in the back of head started spitting out answers, try more meds, she needs a hug, make her hot chocolate and watch a movie with her, call Emily and Lucas, then it started to trail off, has she always felt like this, will she do something she'll regret, then worst of all, how will I be judged if she does something, but this wasn't about me. I would do anything for my children. I promised myself this when I had them. Children are not possessions, they are beings for you to provide for, you take care of them, you let them learn on their own while keeping them healthy, you don't own them, you guide them.
I would do anything for my children.
How far does 'anything' go?
I fixed dinner that night silently, my husband didn't notice anything, he sat reading the news on his phone.
"I need to get something from the market," I kissed him on the head, "I'll be about ten minutes,"
"Yeah, honey, see you," He didn't even look up.
I drove to the store with shaking hands, I grabbed what I needed with tears in my eyes, I rung it up alone, my body stiff, and let a few tears slip out on the way home. Once back, I crushed up the final touch and added it to the top. I would do anything for my child. I called Anna up for dinner and told her to please eat it all. After a few bites she looks at me. Eyes wide with fright, I gave her the look I used to give her when she'd scrape her knee.
"I love you, Anna banana," I whispered as her hand flew to her throat. I grabbed the wine bottle near me and smashed it against my husbands head as he looked over at her, I'll deal with him later, this is about Anna's wish.
Anna's eye wide open, bulging out from the lack of oxygen, slowly her cheeks puffing up, she threw herself onto the floor.
"This, this will be good for you," I pull her into my arms,"you don't have to be alive anymore, I love you, I'd do anything for you," I pat her hair down, she looks at me, water in her eyes. I kiss her forehead and lay her back down. While standing up I tell her it'll be over soon. I go to finish the salad I made, I really missed the way peanuts tasted crushed up over salad. I'd do anything for my children.
