I don't ship it

Tyler

I head into the busy cafeteria and try to navigate myself to Maddie and my other friends. I walk over to her excited until I see the ombre and layered hair of the human incarnation of the devil. I hear Britney and her nasal voice, and I inwardly cringe thinking about it. I try not to let Britney ruin my good mood because Maddie is right over there, but I freeze once I hear what she's saying.

"Hi. I am your biffle, but the thing is you are not mine," Britney begins.

Suddenly everything feels cold. She's reading my note. She's reading my note! She can't possibly be reading my note, but I pause a second to think about it. She is in my free period, and I don't recall seeing her leave before me. I realize that I'm still frozen in place about eight feet behind them, so I turn around hoping that I'm not seen.

I sit with some regular friends who seem happy enough to see me. As soon as I finish, I excuse myself to the library, saying that I have an unfinished history assignment. I walk out of the cafeteria, bustling with noise as usual. Even so, I can't seem to hear much of it as I head to the library to figure out what I am to do next.

The library is a good place to go right now because Maddie and I have never gone to the library during lunch. In fact, no one goes during lunch. I can tell based on the librarian's look of surprise as I walk to sulk.

I ask her for a piece of scrap paper that I can write on which she graciously offers me. I choose the most secluded corner of the library, and I sit down. I start to write about how I'll fix the life that I have royally screwed-up. I scrawl on the top of my paper and end up writing an entire page full of my own thoughts.

Fixing my life

-Pretend it was a joke?

-Say it's for someone else but I wrote Maddie in case someone else found it.

-Act like it never happened

-Convince her I like someone else

-Tell her

-Tell her

-Tell her

-Tell her

I shake my head out of frustration and try to think of other things to do. But the only thought that floods my mind is why the heck would Britney do this? Is her life so screwed up that she goes around ruining other people's lives just to make her feel better? Or does she just enjoy being mean and a rude person? She may not realize what she's done, but now she's part of my life. Whether she wants to be or not, she is the sole person responsible for the worst day of my life. It's no wonder that she has no friends and no one wants to be her friend. It's no wonder anything anymore, she's just a mean person.

I stand up and try to slam the table as gently as possible. What? I'm still in the library. I walk over to where the librarian is, and I hover for a second. As I try to gather my pride, I walk over.

"Um, hi excuse Mrs...," I stammer.

She peers up at me through her glasses. She quickly closes her book and gets up smiling. "Johnson. Hi sweetie, what can I help you with?"

"Uh, this is a little embarrassing actually." I scratch my head and fix my hair a little.

"Oh hush, it's fine. There's nothing interesting here anyway. Make my life a little more fun," She says leading me over to a table to sit down together.

"Well I need advice about this girl," I start. "She's my best friend, and I've been in love with her for five years. Wow, I don't think I've ever said that out loud before."

Mrs. Johnson sigh. "Ah, young love. So what seems to be the problem with that sweetie? It seems like you've got yourself in a pretty good situation with her." She smiles.

"Well, the thing about that is..." I scratch my head, pausing, trying to think about how to word it. "She doesn't exactly know..."

"Oh," Mrs. Johnson exclaims softly.

"And she kinda sorta read this love letter from me to her earlier today."

"Ohhh. Oh you poor boy," Mrs. Johnson says consoling me. "So do you want advice about what you should do now?"

"I mean, yea. If you have any, that is. This situation kinda sucks too much to fix any of it." I slump in the chair, burying my head in my arms.

"Well, it sounds to me that you are in a little of a pickle, but everything has a solution. Have you ever considered telling her? If a kind boy like you is in love with her, she must be pretty special. I bet she'll understand if you talk to her about it," Mrs. Johnson says rubbing my back trying to make me feel better.

"I wish it was that simple Mrs. Johnson," I say into my arms. I lift my head from my arms and run my hand through my hair.

"The thing about this is that I was always fine with silently loving her. I was just grateful enough to be able to experience her even though I was never going to be with her. I was fine with all of it! And now I get none of it. I don't get her love, and now I don't even get her friendship.

"I mean, sure, she'll continue to be friends with me. She's not the kind of person to stop being friends with someone if they like her. But the fact that she knows ruins us. Things are going to be different, no matter how subtle the differences are. Our friends know now, so it's not like they'll treat us the same. They won't treat me the same." I slump back down into my arms.

"I should just drop out of school! Change my name and move to another country!" I yelled, muffled by my arms.

"Oh hush child. I've been around for a long time, and I can guarantee you that you'll be fine. No one's ever died from a broken heart after all." Mrs. Johnson gets up from her chair. "I've got to put some books away sweetie, but feel free to stay in your slump."

I sigh and get up too. "No point being in a slump and physically being in a slump too. Can I help put some books away?" Mrs. Johnson nods her head yes and teaches me what to do.

As I'm putting books away, I start to think. After ten minutes, I know what I'm doing next. I can't possibly live knowing that Maddie knows how I feel, and her not doing anything about it. I can't deal with the fact that I'll get sad glances from her because she doesn't like me like that, and I don't want her pity either.

As much as I want her, no, need her, I can't keep on going with the fact that she doesn't want me like that. She never will, so I'm done, because she knows, and won't do anything about it. If anything, she'll do exactly what I'll be doing, avoiding her. I know that I've still got the rest of the year to go. But I'll have a lot to distract me, from academics, sports and colleges. I don't think it'll be too hard.

It's our last year of high school together and as much as I want to spend every second of every day with her, it hurts too much. But of course, it's her and everything's too hard with her. I'll be clear from all the heartache and pain that I've gotten for loving her.

The bell rings, and I gather all my stuff to get ready to leave. On my way out, I pass Mrs. Johnson and bid her goodbye.

"Oh, goodbye to you too, um..."

"Tyler, Tyler Lee," I say.

She smiles fondly. "Goodbye Tyler, and good luck."

I smile back at her and wave a little. Then I head to English class and go on with my day as normally as I can.