Forgiveness (Book 1 of The Journal Entries)

V

"Today I go to church with Isabel... I don't know how I feel about going but a dare is a dare... I gotta do it. As I was getting dressed I suddenly felt really nervous. Hm I wonder why? "

"Maria!!" Isabel yelled.

I ran down stairs.

"Let's go mamita." I smiled softly.

We drove in a peaceful silence. As we reached the church I looked over at Isabel. She seemed a little nervous. I got out of the car and stood behind her. She looked behind me and smiled softly. We walked into the church slowly. That's when I saw him... Oh my... His black hair, tan skin and beautiful ocean blue eyes. He looked about my age and he was just cute. His smile was just... "God if you're real you really created a beautiful being right there." He turned to look at Isabel and we happened to lock eyes. He slightly smiled at me and waved a little bit. I waved back slightly. He looked away smiling to himself. I felt heat rise on my cheeks. "Oh goodness I barely know him and I can already feel my heart going crazy." I look down and smile to myself. Me and Isabel sat in the back so that I could feel more comfortable. The pastor goes on the altar and locks eyes with me and smiles. I give a soft smile back.

"Forgiveness." He starts off.

I wince a little at the word.

"It's not for the other person... its for you. God sent his son to die for you. So that he could forgive us without all the animal sacrifices. God wants to forgive us. He wants to give us second chances so why cant we do the same? Why is it so hard to forgive someone no matter what? So what if you were rapped. So what if you felt unwanted. Why waste your life away holding a grudge instead of letting it go? Why hold onto all that baggage and let it hold you down when you could walk free of everything. NO WONDER YOU FEEL LIKE YOU'RE DROWNING." He shouts.

"LET IT GO! Just let it go. Give it to God and just breathe. Let it fall off your shoulders Shake it off. Let loose. Break free of all your chains. Feel the light. Stop living so comfortable in the darkness. Start living in the light. It's so much warmer there any ways." The pastor chuckles.

Everyone smiles at the joke. I on the other hand had tears in my eyes.

"Now is there anyone who wants to give their burdens to Jesus Christ and accept him in your life?"

I hesitated for a second but I knew he was talking directly to me. I thought "Alright God I'm going to do this because I now know I need you... I need you right now, in my life. I can't survive without you." I stood up and made my way to the altar. The pastor smiled at me probably already knowing I was going to walk up.

"And what is your name young lady?"

"Maria." I choked out.

"Maria are you tired of all your baggage? Are you ready to let go? Do you want to accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior? Do you want him to come into your heart and start the process of healing?"

I nodded my head and started sobbing. The pastor laid his hands on me and started to pray for me. As he was praying I felt this weight come off my shoulders and my heart actually felt like it was beating. I could finally breathe for the first time in my life. I let go of everything. The next thing I knew I was on the floor sobbing. I felt weak but in a good way; I couldn't move. All I did was cry my heart out. I felt God working in me, cleaning me, healing me. After a while I sat up slowly with some help. You wouldn't believe who I saw besides Isabel... First that guy I saw when I first walked in, he had tears in his eyes and he was smiling but I also saw Allison she was crying and she tackled me in a hug. I laughed a little even though it came out like some gargle noise. I actually sounded like I was dying. She pulled away from me and smiled brightly at me.

"Doesn't it feel good?" She said.

All I could do was nod my head and smile.

"I feel different... Like... I don't know... Like I'm finally alive... Like I'm really living and seeing things clearer... brighter."

Allison gave me a big hug and then let Isabel come in front of me. She smiles at me.

"So much for giving God a chance for a whole week... Are you ready for all the challenges that will come next? Remember God will put you to the test to see if you're really serious."

I think about what she just said.

"I know it wont be easy but I know with the help of God and you guys I can accomplish anything." I smile more to myself then anyone around me.

Isabel looks like she is about to cry all over again. She pulls me into a warm hug and squeezes me to death... Or at least that's what it felt like.

"Mom can't breathe." She laughed and let go of me.

I smiled at her.

"I love you mom." She gasp and a tear fell down her cheek.

"I... I love you too dear."

I never told her I loved her until now. But I do love her more than anything. I slowly stand to my feet. I was still shaking a little bit. I look over to the guy that was still standing there; I give him a weak smile. He smiles brightly at me. I feel like my knees are going to give out... he is so... good looking. He walks over to me.

"Hi..." He says.

"Hello." I reply.

"I'm Elijah..."

"Maria."

He sticks his hand out and we shake hands. Allison looks from me to him...

"Elijah..." She says slowly.

"Yes Allison?" He replies.

"Stop hitting on my best friend..." His face turns bright red.

"I wasn't... I am not!" He quickly turns around. "Bye Maria."

And with that he quickly walks away... obviously embarrassed. I hit Allison on the shoulder.

"Why did you embarrass him?" Allison starts laughing.

"We've been best friends since childhood... In all that time I have never seen him act like that..." She smiles at me.

"He has never had a girlfriend... and his excuse was that he still hasn't found the right one or that he didn't hear God say that he found her already... I think... Never mind."

I smile to myself... "I wonder if God wants me and Elijah together." I blush at the thought. "No I can't think like that when he founds out what happened to me he will think I'm disgusting... I'm pretty sure he's saving himself while I on the other hand am not a virgin... because of my father..." I felt this pain in my chest... "I need to forgive them... God what happens if I never forgive them." I didn't even realize I was crying until Isabel grabs my hand and pulls me away from Allison... A worried look plastered on her face. I smile and wave bye... Before a sob escaped my lips and I covered my mouth. I pulled away from Isabel and ran... I ran past our car and onto the sidewalk. I ran and ran and ran... until I couldn't even recognize where I was. I stop and look at my surroundings. I pray to God that nothing happens to me. I take my phone out of my pocket, put on the GPS and make my way towards home.