The Fullstop

Part 3:

I sat there revising my essay, and it was all without 'umm' 'hmm' and 'uhh's and well I thought it was good, but you never know because I don't even write essays anymore, and my English teacher says that I don't have to and that my GPA will stay unharmed but all that was just a Mental-Disordered-Person perk, my GPAs always were more than 3.90 which was pretty awesome.

An hour passed, and I kept looking at this yellow tulip bush and wondered how amino acids just crumple up randomly together creating DNA and genes to make up that pattern of petals and leaves and colours, that didn't even happen with the relationships of the human race and I wondered why God couldn't really insert our destiny in our genes, then I thought, maybe it was already but our scientists were too dumb to figure that out because destiny happens, you can't read it or see it because it's just another Tomorrow and your brain can't even see it and your empowered nerves can't even send a visual by sneaking into that DNA helix. Then I realised I was thinking about something very unusual, who cares about destiny anyway? We are all going to die.

But that Eric guy was sitting next to me, his eyes not red, but face still pale and thin. He looked weaker and frail, I wondered if anything was wrong.

'Genevieve Claire, I am glad you have no aura of being a cantankerous personage. Read.' He said, and then I remembered cantankerous meant stubborn, I didn't like being stubborn, why be stubborn? Why keep on holding on to something when it's just a some-thing after all. Then I realised that you are more apt to be stubborn with the stubborn people.

'Okay. Umm, I wrote this in my room at night just because some guy called Eric told me to, he mentioned something about fullstops but I don't even know what he meant, then he asked me to force the fullstops out of my life because they're awful and writing an essay would kinda cure that so umm, here I am at his request.'

I cleared my voice and saw his enthusiastic face.

'There is nothing as capital-P pain because your body doesn't classify pain as capital or small, it always has that same warning so I think you were wrong about Capital-P pain. Anyway, um, I was just going to write about the definition of pain and I looked it up on the internet and it was: Pain is an unpleasant feeling often caused by intense or damaging stimuli, such as stubbing a toe, burning a finger, putting alcohol on a cut, and bumping the "funny bone". But that's just one branch of pain.

One thing is physical pain which could be the stimuli phrased above, and I think your body would respond to that by making more drugs, or just shutting out your nervous system making you unaware of things, leading to unconsciousness or lack of interest in things happening around you which somehow leads to psychological pain. This kind of nervous shutdown could lead to depression, you don't want to see anyone, you hate everyone because you're like sick or in pain or envious because everyone isn't experiencing the same thing or whatever, so yeah, you could be suffering from diabetes or something and there's a lot of sugar and you just feel dizzy and you have no insulin and you just stay there, unaware, hating everyone that passes because they are feeling okay in comparison to you, well, not you but someone, alright. Then the depression leads to mental disorders, you untrust everyone and you become paranoid or schizophrenic, or you start untrusting yourself and you start self-harming or an eating disorder, or you just freaking hate everything around you and you just have nothing to believe in but that disease and you just kill yourself. There is of course another branch of pain I don't know, but I just made it up and it could be kind of similar to what I've just written but it's that moment when like physical or psychological pain kicks in and there's nothing happening around you, no stimuli, you're just in a dark deadpanned room and there's nothing happening but feeling pain. I don't know how feeling something is but I made it up right? So you know I once heard that if you just hang around by standing on the ceiling, you'll be a little drunk but then eventually you'll be seeing normally because your body will accustom itself or something. That's what I'm talking about. You're in that dark room, in pain and your body is used to it so there's nothing else to feel but this freakin' pain and then your nerves break down flat and you're numb and feelingless and meaningless and whatever, that could be some kind of capital-P pain, but who knows? I made that up because I like thinking about things, but it makes sense to me. So yeah, this is um, capital-P pain. The aura of sophistication when you're supposed to feel pain but you just can't feel it. Okay. Um. That's all I have to say.'

I looked at him and he was not even looking at me, he was facing the sky just looking at the clouds and how they soared nicely over us and for one moment it was like there are no more words and no more feelings and it's just me and him and the clouds and that burning sensation in your eyes and everything's alright and it's judgement day but we're last in line because we know what we are destined to, hell or heaven, there's no excitement in that, and maybe just because we encountered capital-P, inexistent pain that means the power of the fires in hell won't get to us and the pleasure in heaven won't move us. I was still looking at the clouds and I realised what he meant by fullstops. The Fullstops was that kind of an unexplainable look in your eyes and the 'um's you say or even the capital-P Pain. Maybe it wasn't. But I think I was destined to know.

We stayed there looking at the clouds till my eyes kind of watered so I had to look down, I closed my eyes and I didn't know anything, where I was or who I am. I was like nothing and this life was nothing and it was all just another big Fullstop. I opened my eyes. He was looking at me.

'I assume you kind of understand me.' He said, smiling. I deadpanned.

'Maybe?' I asked.

'God, go home. Take a bubbly bath. Meet me tomorrow at McDonald's. You are one interesting thing that makes this life worth dying for.'

And that was the last thing I heard of him today although I had a lot of questions, how did I understand him? Why does he look so tired? He looked as if he was suffering from flu or something but I didn't know, it looked serious. I also wanted to ask him why he cared so much about me taking a bath and getting rid of those fullstops? I wanted to know.

I stayed there reading my essay over and over again till it didn't really make sense anymore, you know that feeling when you keep repeating a word over and over again and you realise why this combination of letters absurdly make up this particular word and then this word sounds so meaningless? That's how my essay felt, so I stopped reading and I walked around the park.

There were children with their mothers talking and smiling to each other's then one little boy bumped into me and fell, I felt bad. I helped him stand up right and stroked his back, I don't know why, but that boy just looked at me so sternly with a beautiful smile and said 'thank you' as if he just learned the magic words. I looked back and then at his mother and she smiled and mouthed thank you. I looked at the boy and he wasn't smiling or anything. He just said: 'why aren't you smiling? You just helped me, and that's a good thing.'

I walked back home and thought that if I don't eat soon, I'll die.

I snacked on some nachos and went upstairs to my bathroom and turned on the water and put on that rose petal aroma my mom once bought for me. The bath tub steamed up with all the smell so I just undressed and went in, the water was hot, and I soaked my hair in, and I felt okay, the hot water relaxed my muscles and I felt like if I stopped thinking for sometime, I would be better, so I just closed my eyes.

A few minutes later, I wear a dress, blow dry my hair and I collapsed on the bed and started thinking about Eric and the fact that he wanted me to meet him at McDonald's tomorrow morning, I wondered what he was up to. Then I remembered that little boy I helped today and he told me that I am not smiling and it was inappropriate for the occasion, I went downstairs to the living room.

'Oh Genevieve, you look beautiful! At last, you dress like a girl.' She exclaimed, seems to me she was cooking something because the kitchen smelled nice.

'Umm, can I ask you something?' I told her.

'Yes, what is it?' She said comfortingly.

'Do you think it's um, weird, not to smile?' I asked her.

She hesitated a little and then smiled and I wondered if people have to always smile when they say something.

'People need to smile, it makes us happy.' She said making eye contact.

Happy? Hmm. Nicole probably smiles but she's not happy. And I probably never smile but I don't know how I feel.