random thoughts

boyfriend

This is gonna be why I started liking my current bf so yeah

Back in mid-october, something happened and drove my depression further than it ever had been and it made the world seem so.. dull. Everyone was convinced I was fine so I just kept wearing my mask.
There was a shy boy named JC in my class who I had noticed, but only because the class drama queen had an obsessive crush on him.
I'm in band and back in November there was an optional band performance which I of course did with my best friend at the time (ffffudging ansley) and JC was there too. JC plays trumpet while Ansley and I played clarinet, so we eventually got separated but here's what happened before that.
I felt something I hadn't felt in a little over a month: a small amount of happiness, growing by the second. I felt at ease talking to him. He made me genuinely laugh and smile for the first time in a while. In that moment an alarm went off in my head like "frick you're doing this"
Later that night, I had left my stuff next to his so I could enjoy the free food (which was horrible), and about 10 minutes later I went back. (I had known JC had left but didn't have the opportunity to say goodbye) I was getting my stuff to leave and realized that aLL OF MY MUSIC WAS MISSING
I stayed with two friends for an extra 3 0  m i n u t e s  and still couldn't find my band binder, so I eventually had to leave and accept the fact I would have to get all of the music again.
The next school day (monday ew) JC stopped me while I was going to my locker and handed me my band binder. He said "skylar (his brother) took this on Friday because he thought it was mine, sorry" wHICH MADE ME PISSED BECAUSE IT WASTED MY TIME AND MY BINDER WAS ALSO SOMEWHAT BROKEN
(I still don't like skylar he's annoying--)
Two or three weeks passed and the schools big middle school dance came up and I decided "iTs a GOoD iDeA tO AsK HiM" so I made my friend Emma give him a note in seventh period for me that was asking him to the dance it was really weird because I was actually blushing for the first time in at least a year??
It never snows where I live but of course it snowed right when the dance was supposed to happen so it got postponed until M A R CH
THREE MONTHS
later on there was another school dance and I was like "wHy nOt" and gave him another note
He replied with "I'm sorry but I can't go, in leaving for my grandma's house that day. We can still got o the masquerade ball if you want to." AKA THE BIG SCHOOL DANCE AND I WAS INTERNALLY SCREAMING
(Side note I always end up breaking down at big events)
So one month later in march I got my dress on and started to get ready; anxiety and stress and stuff had already piled up so much that day.
When I got to the dance I didn't talk to him until like 30 minutes after I got there (we're both shy) and I immediately broke down crying for 30 minutes once again
After I was calmed down we talked a lot then got separated
Later on when we started talking the second slow song of the night came on and we both just stayed quiet. I'm my mind I was like "hELL NO IM NOT ASKING HIM TO DANCE BC I CANT DUCKING DANCE" AND THEN MY COACH DECIDED TO COME ALONG AND HE ASKED "are you two going to dance?" I immediately responded "I don't know how" then my coach said "in sure JC will show you how" WELL SCREW YOU TOO K BYE
Then ansley's date aidan (one of JCs friends) tried showing us how to dance and I was nervous so I kept making excuses until the song ended
We took a picture at the photo booth and then Grayson (the drama queens boyfriend) decided to break up with said drama queen (mia)
All of the boys went to talk to Grayson while most of the girls went to see Mia (I did because I like tea and hate her)
So that was the night
A week later I gave JC a note apologizing for not dancing with him and then we passed noted through our lockers back and forth for a while, but then LGPE happened. (Its just a big band thing)
JC and I had been planning to watch a movie together for a while so we decided to do it on the bus ride to lgpe
He ditched me (red flag number one)
And I just laid down in the seat and started to cry (I brought a blanket)
I convinced myself he was just waiting until the ride back and he ditched me again (red flag number two) I was so ready to cuss him out and I would've but there were teachers
My friends eventually convinced him to sit with me and I was super pissed. He just sat there and didn't say anything like a dunce (red flag number three) and never apologized (number four)
My cheeks were tear stained it was embarrassing---
After like 5 minutes I eventually asked if he wanted to watch a movie so we started watching LOTR
I was looking out the window the whole time while he talked to him friends
Fast forward a month to may and I asked him out on the third
He said yes
I haven't talked to him since the second to last day of school
Kinda wanna break up? Kinda have feelings for someone else I think??
I'm emotions are complicated

THATS THE STORY OF ME AND MT FIRST REAL BOYFRIEND WOO
iwishhewasagirlilikethembetter