Poisoned Star

Reason 3

I was 30 minutes early to the class. Instead of sitting alone in the class, I walked out and leaned on the railing outside the classroom which was on the fifth floor as I stared at the sky.

It was the natural beauty of the sky that attracted me to look at it and feel the beauty. Looking at the sky gave me immense pleasure because of its simplicity. Positive thoughts started to rise in my mind as I was looking at the sky. Just like silence, the sky is also an attractive beauty.

If stars allowed my brain to escape from the clutters of my mind by shaping into shapes that I'd like, clouds did the same thing. It was beautiful, and always changing, and you can watch clouds move and imagine shapes in them.

"It's nice, isn't it?" someone leaned next to me and interrupted my personal thoughts.

I turned my head to you, then looked back to the sky without answering. It was an obvious question that did not need any more justification. And you were rude to barge in like that.

Ignoring you, I let myself drown in my thoughts. I thought of my parents' argument I overheard that morning. It was the same argument over the years. It was about me.

Mom was being a mom, she was always overly worried about me. Stopping me from doing this and that. Worrying that I might get hurt. Protecting me from everything.

Dad, being the hero he is, always defended me and my freedom of having a decent life. He was convinced that giving me away to those researchers won't help me. Tying me up won't save me from anything. He wanted me to taste a bit of happiness and beauty of life.

And me? I didn't know what I want. I didn't know what I should do.

Maybe my parents should have another child to divert their attention from me. Wait, they do. But did that divert their attention from me? No, it didn't. My brother is invisible in this family. I wonder if they remembered that they have a son.

Maybe I should just die? The guilt of sucking all the attention that my brother should get was eating me out alive.

If I die, it would be for the better of my family. I could unleash my mom from the prison she had to put herself into for the sake of taking care of me and worrying about me all the time.

My dad didn't have to convince me every single morning that I'm a superhero for being able to breathe without a heartbeat. He can be a hero himself. A hero to my brother, perhaps?

My brother, Alex could get all the love he should be getting from perfectly normal parents. Maybe that way he would come home more often instead of being distant with the family. Maybe he would cut himself some slack and stop pushing himself way too hard.

And me? I can no longer bear this burden. This way of living is too tiring.

"Hey, Ethan?" I finally acknowledged that you were still next to me, maybe staring at the sky too.

"Hm?"

"How high does a fall have to be to kill you?" I asked.

"I'm not sure, maybe 20 metres. Which is about four to five storeys high?"

I looked down. We were on the fifth floor. I could jump and die if I wanted to.

"The view is nice up here. Look up there. I like sitting on roofs. Just to enjoy nice views and serene sky. Don't you?" you uttered, disregarding the intention to my recent question.

"Yeah, I do." I was actually quite impressed. "You're the first person I met that like skies and hanging on roofs too."

"Really?" you took a glance at me before looking back towards the blue sky.