to love and be loved 【a jeanmarco fanfiction】

part 6

dear mom,
I've been writing a lot to you recently, because all of my other letters were, uh, they're just not, um, available anymore. but don't worry, i'll write you plenty more! haha. well up here there hasn't been all that much that's interesting. the walls are still holding strong, thank god. we haven't had an incident since Wall Maria, nearly 5 years ago! I heard the scout regiment has been full of things to do. I don't know for sure, but from what Erens been saying, they've been swamped! I have no idea what regiment I'll join. Garrison is probably the best option, but something's pulling me towards the scouts. I know it's a death sentence, but there's this voice in my head saying do it. if I get high enough I'll join the military police! that's definitely my choice if I make it. that's where Jeans going! we could work together, side by side. that would be the life, eh? actually living like humans. the final test is coming soon. I'm not ready at all, ma. I'm so nervous. things have not been going in my favor this whole time, I've got to say. but I'm sure I'll pull through! even if I don't make the MP, life will get better, right? it always does. I mean, I've already made so many friends! well not really but I have Jean, and Armins pretty nice. all the boys in my. cabin are really polite and kind. so I guess I'm not exactly Mr. Popular, but hey that's fine by me! haha : )
this letter is a lot longer then normal.i know exactly what you'd say: "anything for my baby boy!" and you'd read it anyway. I guess you are reading it, wherever you went, even if it isn't on earth. I guess I don't even need to write you letters, since you already see what going on. well if you can't, I'll keep writing, and when I come up there to join you I'll bring them!
love and miss you more than possible,
Marco ツ

Marco signed off his letter and folded it, tucking his pen away in the folds. "still writing letters?" Jeans voice startled him, and Marco felt his warm hand resting on his shoulder. he stashed the paper and pen away in his pillow case before flipping over to Jean.
"I never stopped."
Jean sat on the end of my cot, bowing his head to fit in. Marco folded his knees underneath him to scoot out of his way. "why are we in my cot?"Marco complained.
"I don't know. come on." he crawled out of the small area and led the way up the ladder to his cot. they both settled in up there, Marco sitting with his legs criss-crossed at the foot of the cot and Jean leaning on one knee, the other extended.
"how many freckles do you have?" Jean asked, squinting his eyes as if trying to count.
"what?"
"your freckles. how many?"
"I've never counted,"
"do you have them all over?" Jean continued. realizing how awkward that sounded, he quickly added, "I mean like, on your stomach and, um, legs and stuff."
Marco chuckled lightly. "yeah. my mom used to say I haven't got a square inch of skin that doesn't have freckles."
Jean laughed a little too. "okay, I can definitely believe that."
they kept chatting aimlessly for a few minutes, but a question kept nagging at Jean. things still didn't add up. it didn't make sense why Marco was so tired or hurt. he wanted to ask, but Marco looked so happy right now. he knew that if he said anything, it would completely destroy that smile.
"what's wrong, Jean? you're out of it." Marco inquired, scooting closer.
"no, I don't want to bother you. what were we talking about? lunches?" Jean replied, attempting to avoid the topic.
"Jean, something's wrong. please tell me."
Jean sighed, giving in.
"it's just, I was thinking a lot about when you got back from...from you know. and I'm just confused as to why you were so tired. It just doesn't add up!" it was Marcos turn to sigh.
"it's because, well, it's stupid. and it was my fault! it was my fault I was so tired." Jean knew that he should've known Marco would say that. of course he wouldn't blame anyone else; he's an angel!
"Marco, I know that's how you see it, but I need to know what really happened!"
"I've let it go, why can't you? it was nothing, and you already confronted them. things are good, it's okay to forget." Marco coaxed, trying to avoid another pointless brawl. he could see the frustration in Jeans expression. he gave in. "make me a promise, first,"
"yeah, what?"
"promise me you won't go after them again."
"but-"
"promise."
Jean sighed.
"fine, I promise I won't go after them again." he looked at the wall, uncomfortable and obviously lying.
Marco felt himself beginning to lose it. his fists curled and uncurled, and he tried everything that normally worked; counting to ten, holding his breath.
"do you even listen?!" he blurted, "this is MY problem, Jean. can't you understand that? I don't need you to protect me, so why don't you just stop? why haven't you just stopped?!"
Jeans jaw dropped. he closed it abruptly, still speechless.
"you know what? I think I know why." Marco wanted to stop but his mouth seemed to have a mind of its own. "because you're too concerned about your fucking image! all you care about is making sure everyone knows you're so strong. as long as that is established, what else matters? hm?" Marco yelled. the whole cabin was as quiet as cemetery as they listened to the rather one sided argument. Jean bit his bottom lip, eyes sliding back and forth.
"you know what? maybe I should just go." Marco snapped, voice faltering. he descended the wooden ladder and threw open the cabin door, allowing in a chilling breeze. the door swung shut behind him.