teenage suicide

{1}

"Most of you already know me, but we do have a new face here. I'll give her a chance to introduced herself, but first here are the rules. Number one,-" David starts, looking at me, then everyone in the circle.   

"Can't you just tell her the rules later? We know all of the stuff already." Some guy two chairs away from me glares at me. I look at him. He's slouching in his chair, one leg pulled over the other, with his arms crossed over his chest. Does he think he's cool?

I glare back. "Don't be a bitch. Plus I'm not like you, I don't need to be here." I turn my attention back to David, now standing in the middle of everyone. "So David, I think you should take this cunts advice and hurry it up."   

"Listen. I'm going over the rules weather you like it or not. And Josh I think you might need a refresher on the rules anyway." So the fuckers name is Josh. I roll my eyes as David continues. "One. Do not use foul language in this room." He takes a hard stare at me. "Two. This is a place of safety and comfort. We come here to share our stories and lift each other up. Not tear others down, Joshua. Three. Even though our family and friends claim that this is group therapy, I don't want you guys to think of it that way. This is safe place, you can make friends here. No one is superior, and none inferior, we are equal. Now, onto introductions, I'm David, you might see me as a consular, but I am just like you, I've felt that feeling of being alone. I'm here to help you." David goes back to his chair and touches the shoulder of a guy next to him.   

"I'm Gabriel. I came out as gay to my parents and they pretended to be happy, but i know they weren't, so i started to hate myself and cut. Today makes me 6 weeks clean." He sits and everyone starts to clap. He touches the shoulder of that Josh guy.    

He stands up and looks at the wall. "I'm Josh. I-"   

"I thought it was Joshua?" I interrupt. Look, I don't care if I'm being a dick, it's a question.   

He gives me a disgusted look, and speaks monotone. "I have anger issues that trigger my depression. I once got so mad I punched a hole in the wall and got a cut on my arm, I noticed it but I just sat there and bled out." He sits and taps the girl next to him.   

Fuck, its almost my turn. "I'm Angel."

"That's not a very realistic name." I interrupt again.

"You can't just keep talking in the middle of everyone's introduction okay. It hasn't even been your turn and I'm sick of your voice already." Josh butts in.

"Stop. we just went over rules. Let Angel finish what she has to say." David jumps in before I could come up with a come back for that fucker. He's lucky.

"Um, I'm just really insecure about my body, I tried to overdose three times before my mom found out and sent me here."

She taps the next guy and he stands and starts talking. I don't hear what he says because I know I'll have to go after him. I don't want to be here. My eyes start to water. Just say your name and sit, it's easy. My body starts to heat up. My chest feels tight. I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm okay. Take a deep breath. I tell myself to calm down. It doesn't work but it's enough.

Suddenly I'm pulled back into the real world. The person is sitting again with his hand on my shoulder. Everyone is staring. My body heats up again. "Are you okay?" he asks me. He has nice greyish brown eyes. I wish I got his name. I nod my head yes. "Well, it's your turn."

I stand up and take a deep breath. Smile. "My name is Emrys, pronounced em-riss. But everyone just calls me Em. I don't know why I'm here, probably because my mom thinks I'm crazy." I say super sarcastically and take my seat.

Everyone is quiet. "So you think we're...crazy?" Gabriel says.

                    ***   

The rest of the session I didn't talk. I walk home, listening to my "happy music" playlist, which actually consists of sad songs, but I'm me so fuck it. Before getting home, I take a stop at the dollar store to get a new notebook. My mom threw out my old one.

When I get to my sad shack of an excuse for a home, I attempt to go to my room but on the way, I pass my mom in the hall."Emmie, how was it?" she asks, carrying a basket of laundry.

"I'll talk to you about it at dinner, I'm gonna get Chinese." I say rushing pass.

"What's that in your hand?" her tone changes. I show her the book and she drops the laundry. Hands on her hips she says, "Emrys, this better not be-"

"It's not, mom. The people at group therapy gave it to me. Don't worry, they check it. I don't obsess anymore." she drops her hands, and walks closer to me. She puts a hand on my shoulder

"Okay Emmie, I believe you." she starts to tear up. "I just don't want to read another one of those journals you had, promise me you won't write like that again."

"I promise." I give her a hug and go to my room. I close my door behind me and take out my new journal. And write:

Day 1.

Is today a good day to die? No, I'm having Chinese food later.

A lot of people think that drinking bleach is a good way to die. It's not. All bleach will do is burn your insides. Bleach is an oxidizer, making it highly reactive with organic tissues. This is why you have to wear gloves when handling it, because it can burn your skin. If you drink bleach, your entire esophageal system will get burned, your stomach lining will dissolve, and you will die a slow, painful death if you don't get medical attention. But of course if you try this, I'm guessing you don't want medical attention. So if you wanna suffer then this is the one! But you won't die within a day, it'll take some time. What I want is a quick death.   

I close my journal and look for a good place to hide it. Mom won't find this one. I look around my small room. Pink walls, covered with band posters. Shelves, full of books that have been read many times. That's it. I'll hide it behind the books on the shelf. Hopefully she won't find it.   

"Emrys!" I hear my mom call from the other room. "Can you go get the food now!" Her voice startled me, but I yell back an ok and head back out to get dinner.