No pain no gain. Want honest feedback as well as as more reads and votes on your story? Then enter, if you dare. There are no sugar coating, I'll let you know what your story needs, what you need to work on and give you ideas on how to make your sto...
Cover- The title was too long for my liking and annoying to write out. The cover is tacky. I see what you're trying to do by having the lens of the glasses fill in as O's, but it doesn't look right. Some of your words are cut off around the edges. There's too many different fonts going on. The cover just doesn't make me want to read it. It's so plain. Do us both a favor, and find an actual graphic designer.
2/5
Plot- Your story looks like it's written in second person, which is something I don't see on Wattpad much, so I commend you for taking on that challenge. Your summary didn't give me much about what your book is about, so I was hoping that by reading chapter one I would get some idea. Nope. Still no clue.
3/5 (extra point for it being in second person).
Grammar/punctuation- In the second paragraph, you said this:
It was 5:03 P.M when he decided to pack his things up. Go home and resume it there.
Take out that period and replace it with a comma. Go home and resume it there is a fragment, and can't stand on its own. Also what do you mean by this
Go home and resume it there.
What is "it"? You never specified what he was doing, so what exactly is he supposed to be resuming at home?
And then you said:
He opened his black backpack, put in the laptop.
This sentence is not worded correctly. It should have said:
He opened his black backpack, and put the laptop in.
See how much better that sounds?
WOW! It's mind blowing how many of your sentences are worded incorrectly. Question. Is English your first language? Either way, you need an editor. Please find one ASAP. I'm just going to point out a few of the sentences.
He organized the cable of his chargers insert it there. Zippered back.
He pulled the deepest breath he had for today and released it.
The 'Early Bird leave late'. That is Principle Keen. 'Early Bird' to the fact that earlier this morning, his checked in time was 7:07 A.M...
Huh??
What are you trying to say? Am I missing something? Was that supposed to be dialogue? But wait, there's more:
And 'leave late' to the fact that he was the only school official left in here.
Three paces he made it in there, there to the light's switch.
It ranged from 1 up to the highest 31; him was 35
But the girl 5 pace ahead of him could seem to match that. Now they were tie.
Him was alone.
As to the girl cleaning the kitchen knife's blade, she aren't showing any emotion.
Shall he would be grateful he will die to a place he called HOME or would be regretful for he will die alone.
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And we're only in the first chapter.
You have so many tense changes throughout your story. You would start off writing in past tense then switch to present tense. This happens throughout the chapter. Make up your mind, which is it? For example,
He equipped the air conditioning system which displays the current atmospheric temperature it maintained at 26 C. He switched it off. The temperature starts to rise.
Pick a tense and stick to it.
0/5
Character development- Honestly I can't say much about Principal Keen or the other girl for that matter. And that's due to your poor grammar. There were places where I could see that you were trying to tell us about him and his personality, but I didn't understand what you were trying to say. Example:
Even though the school could afford to pay it's bills, Principal Keen was not that kind of how a person thinks. So be like him. He's not fond of loathing money.
I'm not really sure what you're trying to say about him. At first I thought maybe you're trying to say he's generous with his money, but then you said that he doesn't like to hate money. Huh?? What do you mean??
1/5
Dialogue/description- Your descriptions weren't that bad. Although a lot of your sentences were choppy. Why do you keep writing out every number numerically? Like I told someone else, it's best to write them out alphabetically. The times that you wrote are okay as they are but everything else needs to be changed, including the temperature.
Also I'm not a fan of writers adding name brands in their story. For example you wrote,
He checked his Rolex watch.
If you're trying to imply that the watch is expensive, then just say that.
He checked his expensive watch.
Simple.
Adding name brands to your story is a big no no because times change, and fads do as well. What's popular today, might not be popular tomorrow. If someone was to read this book fifty years from now, they wouldn't know the significance of a Rolex.
3/5
Things that bugged me
Your sentence structures.
The overwhelming amount of grammatical errors that were riddled in this story.
You, for writing this book.
Overall
I only read the first chapter. I couldn't bring myself to read another one. I'm not sure how I even made it through that chapter. Your story gave me a migraine, so I just want to thank you for that. In the middle of reading it, I had to stop to pop a few Tylenols. Delete this book. Get it together, and try again. Would I continue reading? Do I even need to answer that?
